The Worst Movies of 2006

December 5th, 2006 by Scott Marks

Ten reasons to wait for the DVD and not rent it:

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Everything that’s hateful about cinema today. It’s manipulative, overblown, joyless and mechanical; like being trapped in a two hour roller coaster ride that has you vomiting two minutes in. If you’re that desperate for a dose of Depp, rent Ed Wood.
Tibet: A Buddhist Trilogy: Torture. A training film for monks, this private rental was erroneously screened for critics. Hey, fellas, I’m all for incense and spirituality, but how about a little cinematic enlightenment?
Date Movie: One of this year’s few satiric misfires. An unfunny and inept attempt to lampoon a genre (teen comedies) that by its very nature is riddled with self-parody.
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Greene: Unfabulous and interminable. It just goes to show that people of all sexual predilections are entitled to have bad films made about them.
Just My Luck: Teen mess Lindsay Lohan stars in a Petrie-fied role reversal comedy. What the fuck was I thinking when I signed on for this? For Lohan laughs, nothing this year rivals her rambling condolence letter to Robert Altman’s widow.
Firewall: It wouldn’t be a Ten Worst list without a contribution from Harrison “Knotty Pine” Ford and this high-tech reworking of The Desperate Hours is a particularly putrid qualifier. The “actor” has two modes of expression: pained and more pained. He’ll be pushing 70 is they ever get around to filming another Indiana Jones sequel. If Rocky XXVII does well, I’m banking on a three picture Alien vs. Predator-style series pitting Sly against Harry.
Beerfest; Guzzling drinking as sport. What else is new? This premise could only have worked had the filmmakers been sportsaphobics. While Artie Lange’s Beer League didn’t seem to screen anywhere outside of Jersey, this flat keg of suds earned a wide release. The stein-toting Fräuleins with the pretzel pasties in Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler number summed up everything Beerfest had to offer in 10 seconds.
Nacho Libre: I don’t know what horrified me more: this bungling mess or the fact that I actually got a few laughs out of Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.
Marie Antoinette: Sofia Coppola’s tale of a beautiful young woman born into royalty who spends her spoiled teen years listening to rock music, buying shoes, gorging on sweets and indulging in all sorts of pretentious behavior. Not many people remember, but Marie Antoinette made her acting debut in The Godfather Part III.
Trust the Man: Writer/director Bart Freundlich crafted this bogus romantic comedy for his wife Julianne Moore. I call it grounds for divorce.

The 2nd Annual Dana Award, named after dependable (to show up drunk) leading man Dana Andrews, is bestowed on a film that’s so bad it’s educational. This year’s dishonor goes to the gaseous comedy The Benchwarmers. Deuce Bigalow, Joe Dirt and Napoleon Dynamite play a trio of rejects who form a three man baseball team that takes on the little league. High concept, low brow. Mormon boychild Jon Heder’s refusal to appear in anything R rated may account in part for the film’s oppressively juvenile tone. The rest of the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of director, and I use the term loosely, Dennis Dugan. I thought he’d never recover after playing the lead in Norman…Is that You?, a sort of Guess Who’s Gay, Interracial and Coming to Dinner offspring, opposite Redd Foxx and Pearl Bailey. Dugan puts a fresh spin on incompetence. I swear that peripheral characters flinch when the camera dollies in. If you must see it, turn on HBO, wait three hours and it will turn up.

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