THE CREAM OF THE CRAP: 20 FILMS THAT ARE SO BAD THEY’RE EDUCATIONAL
November 26th, 2007 by Scott Marks
In order of reverence:
1. HOT RODS TO HELL
Drunken invalid (pronounced “een-valid”) Dana Andrews drives his family through the dessert en route to the motel of their dreams located in the middle of nowhere. A group of clean cut hooligans, with a thing for Dana’s daughter, proceed to terrorize the family for kicks. From the slurred line readings, well-intentioned morality pleas, blinding day-for-night cinematography and the Mickey Rooney, Jr. Trio, this houses almost as many laughs as Duck Soup. Originally intended for TV, M-G-M’s lion shat this into theaters. The “restored” DVD copy is longer than the version we grew up on with more dialogue and different music cues.
2. THE OSCAR / Russell Rouse (1967)
You get the feeling that all involved thought they were participating in a searing indictment of Hollywood, USA. A non-stop laff riot due in large part to the one and only big-screen performance by potato head Tony Bennett. He seems spooked each time the camera moves and his stiff line-readings will break your rewind button. Stephen Boyd plays sh*theel Frankie Fayne, a man seated atop that glass mountain called success, who will let nothing stand in the way of Oscar® gold. The screenplay by Harlan Ellison is, quite literally, perfectly awful. What can be said of a film in which Milton Berle gives the most credible performance?
3. THE BABE RUTH STORY / Roy Del Ruth (1948)
There was was a man named Babe Ruth who played baseball. The truth stops there in this sickeningly maudlin portrait of a Christ-like boob who hits a ball with a stick and cures crippled kids simply by saying “Hiya!” Bill Bendix plays the sultan of syphilis from a ridiculous teen makeover for the flashbacks to his demise by cinematic crucifixion. The Bambino’s reverential death scene makes DeMille’s King of Kings look sacrilegious by comparison. This also contains some of the worst child acting ever committed to film. With all of the crappy baseball films that are out on home video, why hasn’t The Babe found it’s righful home in a plastic snapcase?
4. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE
The cardboard sets and flying percolator lids that attack Hollywood are more convincing than any of the acting. Morphine-soaked Bela Lugosi’s last role was cut short by death causing Wood to “double” him with his much younger chiropractor. Tor Johnson makes Antonio Banderas sound like Rod Serling and Bunny Breckinridge checking out his fellow actors’ crotches is sublime.
5. GLEN OR GLENDA
Another Wood-en gem. A strung out Bela Lugosi narrates this shocking tale of transvestism. Wood plays the title roles in this seering expose of women trapped in men’s bodies.
6. JOHNNY COOL
Henry Silva’s Hamlet! Silva had one of the toughest mugs in movies, but as soon as he spoke the fear quickly (and hilariously) dissipated. He’s a pussy compared to Marc Lawrence, the real Johnny Colini, who transforms his student into a killing machine. Loads of star cameos, including Joey Bishop, Jim Backus and Telly Savalas, make this highly watchable.
7. DRUM
Mandingo lit the fuse and Drum was the explosion. As much as I’ll defend the brilliance of Richard Fleischer’s original tale of slave trading, the sequel will leave you slack jawed in disbelief. John Colicos gives the affected performance of his career as a gay slave trader who’s eventually “nutted” by Ken Norton. Overflowing with gratuitous nudity, senseless violence and reel after reel of politically incorrect dialogue.
8. ROBOT MONSTER
Originally shot in 3-D, this film is void of both depth and dimension. A guy dressed in a gorilla suit topped off by a deep sea diving helmet terrorizes a family in the dessert. The entire film is shot outdoors, because unlike The Naked Spur, the producers couldn’t afford to build sets. Fortunately, there was enough money in the budget to afford a bubble machine. Stunning in its simplicity!
9. MEN OF BOY’S TOWN
After the success of the stomach-churning Boys Town M-G-M once again unleashed auturd Norman Taurog for an even sappier sequel. In light of the recent Church sex allegations, I dare you to keep a straight face when Father Spencer Tracy comforts a boy in his sickbed by cooing, “Did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes.” Want to learn how to wring yet another tear from the audience? When all else fails, toss a pooch under the back wheels of a truck. This is the type of film that gives maudlin a good name.
10. THE CONQUEROR
John Wayne as Genghis Khan in CinemaScope and Stereophonic Sound! Stop me if you’ve heard this one. “My mother! You did not suckle me to die by the hands of a Tar-tar!” Only The Oscar has riper dialogue. The exterior scenes were shot near nuclear testing grounds and the set was practically phosphorescent. Over the next twenty years, the entire cast and crew were wiped out due to the fallout. Equally surprising is that their careers survived past opening night.
11. THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH
A bunch of radioactive sea creatures attack a swinging beach party. The best of the grade ‘Z’ schlock horror films with latex monsters. Infinitely more entertaining and much less cinematic than any of the Frankie & Annette pairings.
12. SHACK OUT ON 101
Major slice of white bread Frank Lovejoy cracks a ring of commies located in a seaside hash house. 90% of the action takes place on one set, and you haven’t lived till you’ve seen the homoerotic scene in which Lee Marvin and Keenan Wynn go scuba diving in the diner.
13. SUSAN SLADE / Delmer Daves (1961)
Bubble-less soaper with cute Connie Stevens as damaged goods. After Bert Convy dies in a skiing accident, leaving Connie with a bellyful of sperm, it’s up to grandma Dorothy Maguire to raise the baby as her own. Lloyd Nolan’s death scene and an incendiary doll substituting for a kid playing with matches, are two of the films many lowlights. Prime Douglas Sirk material with none of The Master’s sense style of irony.
14. HITLER: DEAD OR ALIVE
Four American chowderheads travel to Berlin to kick the stuffing out of the head Natzy rat. Shameless propaganda made towards the beginning of the war when the goose-steppers were still being portrayed as oafs and buffoons. Everyone, including Schicklegruber, dies in the hopelessly hokey outcome. Ward Bond’s pleas for the “Kiiiiiiiiids” is a safe distance from John Ford.
15. THE KILLER SHREWS
Greyhound dogs sporting shag carpeting scare son-of-the-pioneers Ken Curtis and Baruch Lumet, noted acting coach and father of Sidney. Lumet obviously didn’t pay attention to his teachings. Listening to his Yiddish tongue fracture the English language is a hoot.
16. DEATH WISH III
Paul Kersey/Kimball is on the loose again in this brain-dead, vigilante-by-the-numbers action film. Ancient Charles Bronson can barely lift his leg let alone a gun. As always, any woman stupid enough to go out with him also has a date with death. Lee Strassberg could have learned from Chuck’s love scenes, particularly the astonishing “I like chicken…Chicken is good” exchange.
17. BIG JIM McLAIN
Who wins when John Wayne does battle with The Reds? Why the audience, of course!
18. PLATINUM HIGH SCHOOL
Pint-sized Mickey Rooney takes on the role of a tough guy investigating the mysterious death of his son at a military academy. The Mick could be a very capable actor, something this movie fails to demonstrate.
19. TARZAN’S NEW YORK ADVENTURE
After M-G-M ran out of jungle subplots they shifted the action to the Big Apple. Johnny Weismuller wearing a suit and scaling buildings is only the beginning. The phone conversation between Mantan Moreland and Cheetah, whom he confuses for a fellow black man, will have you pulling your hair out.
20. THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN
You probably won’t get through more than the first fifteen minutes, but for a quarter-of-an-hour you’ll find more laughs than all of Kevin Smith’s films combined. Watching little people ride Shetland ponies and walk under barroom doors is genius, but the glut of foul musical numbers will kill you.
Tags: Bad Movies, Hitler: Dead or Alive, HOT RODS TO HELLShare: 
Comments
16 Responses to “THE CREAM OF THE CRAP: 20 FILMS THAT ARE SO BAD THEY’RE EDUCATIONAL”
Leave a Reply
Twitter Feed- scottmarks: Dig A Hole: Pat Hingle: Clint Eastwood and Pat Hingle in “Hang ‘em High.” Pat Hingle, a proli.. http://tinyurl.com/9j5q8d
- scottmarks: New Photos Added: Alfred Hitchcock, Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, BENJAMIN BUTTON, The Marx Bros., NORTH BY NORTHW.. http://tinyurl.com/8yvabj
- scottmarks: Dig A Hole: Jett Travolta, 16-year-old son of John Travolta & Kelly Preston: britepic_id="929770"; brite.. http://tinyurl.com/7bsb9e
- scottmarks: Review: THE SPIRIT / Frank Miller (2008): Gabriel Macht The Spirit (2008) Directed by Frank Miller Written by F.. http://tinyurl.com/a8sh6b
- scottmarks: Happy New Year from Emulsion Compulsion!: Have a great New Year’s, everybody. Check back later. I may hav.. http://tinyurl.com/8n4cmb
- scottmarks: Maurice Lenell Cookies closes it Norridge Factory: Credit: MMChicago @ Flickr Forget about Celebrity Rehab and .. http://tinyurl.com/9w8nwo
- scottmarks: Dig A Hole: Ann Savage: Ann Savage has some thirty features to her credit and after her third appearance (a wal.. http://tinyurl.com/72sm5w
- scottmarks: New Photos Added: Audrey Hepburn, Hitchcock, The Munsters, Marilyn Monroe, “Strange Days,” John Wayn.. http://tinyurl.com/7z2w9s
-
Quotes, Quips and Fun Facts
-
Fun Fact: The following is from a press release for the movie Duck, "starring one of America's most versatile actors, Phillip Baker Hall...In the film "Duck" an old man discovers the will to live because of a duck who believes him to be his mother."
-
Image Vault
One of the great thrills I’ve had recently is watching “Robot Monster” in 3D with an audience and Joe Dante hosting, during a 3D festival at the Egyptian in Hollywood. There’s a few here I’ve never heard of. Would love to get a copy of “The Oscar” and “The Terror of Tiny Town”.
Was it Joe’s personal print? I wouldn’t put it past him.
“Tiny Town” is out on DVD. You can pick it up used for three-bucks on Amazon. It’s Alpha Video, so don’t expect a THX certified copy, but it’s clean enough. A million times better than their copy of “Hitler: Dead or Alive.”
http://www.amazon.com/Terror-Tiny-Town-John-Bambury/dp/B000784XL2/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1196094956&sr=1-1
Thanks for the oh-so-neat Christmas list!
“The Oscar” is a guilty pleasure - Stephen Boyd is the patron saint of ham actors! And why Uncle Miltie didn’t get a Best Supporting Actor nomination (which he was angling for) is a mystery.
One redeeming quality (???) about “Robot Monster” - it was one of Elmer Bernstein’s first music scores!
You listed “Johnny Cool” but what about “A Man Called Adam”? A Sammy Davis vanity film, you can’t get within five miles of this one due to the unintentional stench!
My mother would force me to watch those “Boys Town” movies on “Family Classics with Frazier Thomas” back in the day… maybe this is why I can’t attend mass anymore.
If you’re looking for a GREAT John Wayne unintentional comedic performance, check out “The Longest Day”! His bat-like gestures, not-so-obvious facial reactions, and snarled lines are priceless.
Off-topic - I Tivoed “It’s A Mad x 4 World” off TCM a few weeks ago. This was my annual attempt to watch it from beginning to end… and I couldn’t do it. It’s too painful.
Never saw “A Man Called Adam.” I know what it is, but never was able to track down a copy. I’ll be on the lookout.
As for IAMMMMW, I keep waiting for the CineramaDome to make good on their promise to show a newly restored, uncut transfer. None of the outtake material they used in the “restored” DVD copy. I agree that it’s a terrible movie, but for some strange reason, I want to see it in its original form. Maybe then I can bury it and eradite all traces from my mind.
I’m afraid the Dome can never make good on its promise to show that uncut. The footage just doesn’t exist. You’ll just have to rent the old laserdisc…if you dare!!! IAMMMMW is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know it’s terrible. I know it’s not funny. And yet…it like watching a glorious train wreck that lasts three hours where everybody almost dies.
Go dig into the imdb user comments in the movie. I seem to remember a claim that the original elements were found and in the process of being restored. You do the legwork, I’m beat. I just spent hours researching “Blade Runner.” Enough geekdom for one day.
Really? Well, I stand corrected. How exciting…
Looking forward to the “Blade Runner” review.
A fine list of howlers, Scott. Have you ever seen “Last American Virgin?” That’s one you may want to add to the list. The first 45 minutes or so are like the worst “Porkys” knock-off imaginable, then it suddenly transforms into a truly warped melodrama — like the bastard child of “Splendor in the Grass” and a Dwain Esper film. And it ends with an emotional kick in the teeth to main character and audience alike. It may be more technically competent than your choices here, but the shift in tones is nothing less than schizophrenic.
Have to disagree with you about Henry Silva’s voice. When he tells Randolph Scott where he dumped the bodies in “The Tall T,” it’s one of the most chilling deadpan deliveries in movie history.
No, the title kept me away from the “Last AmVirg.” If you say so, I’ll hit the local video store and track it down.
Yeah, he’s great in “The Tall T,” but it’s hard to get past his character’s politically incorrect name and the way Scott yells, “CHINK!” My favorite Silva performance is probably “Sharky’s Machine” where he snorts speed off the windowsills and follows it up with a scream before going in for the kill. And did you spot his cameo in the new “Ocean’s 11?” Some homage - he’s on screen for five seconds and if your eyes aren’t in the right place you’ll never spot him. And he was the only one that didn’t need character makeup in “Dick Tracy.”
Honestly, Scott, don’t bother with “Virgin”. Yes, it’s bad, but mostly mediocre. With the possible exception of the ending, you can’t tell it apart from the dozens of typical run-of-the-mill horny teenager movies that flooded the multiplexes and VCRs in the 80s. If you wanna see a TRULY bad 80s movie, go find this Godawful “Gremlins” ripoff called “Hobgoblins”. You’ll wanna tear your eyeballs out!
If I want to see a bad film I’ll watch “The Kite Runner” again. I don’t want to see bad films, I want to see films that are so bad they’re funny.
“Kite Runner”? Really? Yikes!!! “Hobgoblins” is sooo bad, it’s funny. Or “Manos: The Hands of Fate”. But that’s a tough sit. Say what you want about Ed Wood; at least he had a match cut every once in a while. “Manos” is about as incompetent and truly hilariously awful as you can get.
“Manos” is trash manna, huh? Sounds in the same league with “Vampyros Lesbos.”
Worse. You have to see it to believe it! It was written, directed, produced and stars a former fertilizer salesman. Place sh*t joke here. Two of the “stars” committed suicide sometime after it’s “release”, or should I say “escape”. Every frame looks like someone’s last known photograph. And wait until you see the character of Torgo! It is amazing!
I could be banished for soliciting this but…
TCM will be screening “The Oscar” on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 11 PM EDT.
Set your Tivo’s, recordable DVD players, or even your VCRs now!
Frankie, don’t!