Emulsion Compulsion’s Top Ten Most Popular Posts
September 7th, 2008 by Scott Marks
With the Telethon still illuminating the inner recesses of my mind, I thought that with your kind indulgence ladies and gentlemen, you might allow me to add a dash of information to the entertainment and take you behind the scenes to further understand why we do what we do. After several cost prohibitive toll calls to Emulsion Compulsion’s Fort Wayne, Indiana-based law firm Bigschnoz, Shylock and Cochran, I finally received permission to print these rather surprising statistics.
What follows is a list of the top ten biggest hit-getting posts in EC’s history.
- EC’s biggest hit-getter to date is also its most recent phenomenon. In a little over two weeks, the Gentlemen Prefer Blondes image gallery has received tens of thousands of visits. Not bad for a couple of girls from Little Rock!
- Rielle Hunter - EC was one of the first web sites to report on the National Enquirer’s discovery of John Edwards’ “love child.” I caught some shrapnel from a couple of EC regulars for devoting so much space to this seemingly non-film related caprice. Hey, she’s a filmmaker. Shut up!
- Sydney Pollack - Once again, the Enquirer is my Shepherd. It leadeth me to the sad discovery that the beloved film director had terminal cancer. No one would dare print the Enquirer’s findings, except for yours truly. If you run “Sidney Pollack” and “cancer” through Google, EC still comes up in the top five. As much as I hate to admit it, this is the only decent and positive story to appear on this blog. Not only did it reach Mr. Pollack’s granddaughter, my coverage actually put the late director in touch with several of his high school cronies.
- Audrey Hepburn - Still the most beautiful and one of the most talented actresses of all time, the biggest shock is that Ms. Hepburn’s image gallery isn’t #1.
- Molly Cyrus and…
- Keith Ledger - Never underestimate the American publics’ inability to spell. It’s not foolproof, however. What works for Sherry O Terry, Sidney Pollack and Joel Wickland has no effect whatsoever on Jerry Louis or Martin Scorcese.
- Jerry Lewis - Considering the marvelous tchotchkes from my private warehouse stoked with Jerryabilia and all of crap I’ve written about my hero, I should change the name of the site to Timpani Compulsion.
- Earlier this year, I wrote a piece of 40 Movie Remakes planned by the studios which the gluttons for punishment that frequent this site couldn’t get enough of.
- Joan Crawford - The anti-Audrey has quite a following on EC, particularly these before and after shots of the haggard Hollywood glamor queen.
- Finally, people seem to be genuinely interested in my list of Films to See Before You Die.
My personal favorite post is this one. While doing my daily “research,” I happened across the name Jerry Mahoney, half of my favorite childhood ventriloquist act. Were people still talking about Paul Winchell’s puppet? Of course not. A Piscataway, NJ police officer named Jerry Mahoney was shot to death by his son John Mahoney, and all this reporter could see was Frazier’s father drawing a bead on a dummy. (Will Knucklehead be next?) People were outraged and EC received its one and only piece of hate mail, an angry letter from a Jersey resident claiming that I have “a sick mind.” In the words of Stan Schmenge, “That’s for sure!”
Tags: Audrey Hepburn, Emulsion Compulsion, GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES, Heath Ledger, Jerry Lewis, Joan Crawford, joel wickland, Joel Wicklund, Keith Ledger, Miley Cyrus, Molly Cyrus, Rielle Hunter, Sydney PollackShare: 
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3 Responses to “Emulsion Compulsion’s Top Ten Most Popular Posts”
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This may seem like a really silly question…
I know what timpani are, but what is the strong connection between them and Jerry?
I know on the telethons they have ‘em…
Just wondering :)
“I know on the telethons they have ‘em…”
That’s about it, Alice. In the 70’s and 80’s, whenever Jerry wanted to see a new total, he would call for a “Timpani!” The later the hour (and the more Percodan in his system), the guy would go bananas for a timp. He’d scream: “TIMPANI! OH, YEAH! DO ME! SHOW ME! OH, YEAH!” Over the past decade his exuberant yelps have diminished, but were it not for JL, I wouldn’t know what a timpani is.
Ahhh right, what a shame I never got to see that! Haha, Percodan indeed.
Thanks.