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Random thoughts on Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Richard Nixon and “Il Divo”

June 26th, 2009 by Scott Marks

Last month my computer died. This month, my new computer caught a virus. It’s in the shop, as they say, and I should get it back by Tuesday. AAARGH! If I’m gone over the next few days, you will know why. In the meantime here are a few random thoughts concerning movies and names in the news.

For those of you living in San Diego, Paolo Sorrento’s “Il Divo,” my vote for best picture of the year (until “Shutter Island” arrives) opens today at Landmark’s Ken Cinema, It’s a whopping tale of a stagnant leader the likes of which I haven’t seen since Bertolucci’s ”The Last Emperor” and at 105 minutes it’s tied with “Land of the Pharaohs” as one of the shortest epics on record. Unless you are an expert on Italian politics, this will require a second, third and fourth viewing.

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An earlier tape finds Bob wishing Mr. President a Happy Birthday

News arrived earlier in the week that fresh excerpts from the Watergate tapes were going to be released. I sat through an hour of Anderson Cooper to find one 30-second clip concerning Nixon’s thoughts on abortion read by the host.

Thursday I was all fired up when Chris Matthews took to the airwaves with actual audio portions. First thing out the gate, Bob Hope, right here!

Hey, Bob put in a call to the Oval Office and he and President Nixon talked briefly about the 1973 release of POWs:

NIXON: You know, it makes—you know, after all the business that you and I have taken through the years, it makes you feel pretty good, doesn‘t it?
BOB HOPE: Oh boy. Oh, it‘s just—it‘s (AUDIO GAP) a thrill. It‘s just a thrill.
NIXON: And the main thing is, apart from—apart from the personal thing, Bob, it‘s so good for the country. The country could not lose this war.
(INTERFERENCE)
NIXON: We had to win it.
HOPE: What they did for this country, you know, this—and it emanates from you, your strength and how right you were.
NIXON: Our enemies respect us. Our allies now trust us.
HOPE: Isn‘t that something?

Minutes after this tape was broadcast, Michael Jackson was dead.

A source close to RH2 Entertainment, who begged that his name not be divulged, told EC that Mr. Hope was reluctant to let this news leak out. In light of that “commie punk Obama’s” efforts to undo George W. Bush’s fine work, Mr Hope felt that if this information were to fall into the wrong hands it would bring about a speedier resolution to the war.

Hope needed a diversion. Instead of bringing down another public landmark and risking the lives of thousands of Americans, Ol’ Ski Nose put out a hit on the Gloved One.

Bob was there to meet MJ at the Pearly Gates. The two shook hands and as Bob patted Jacko on the shoulder he leaned in and whispered in his ear, “I thought it would be a good career move for you.”

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Was there a greater, more subliminally seductive masturbatory aid in the 70s than this poster. (Look carefully and you’ll see the word “S-E-X” airbrushed into Farrah’s locks.) Farrah Fawcett did for hair what James Dean did for red jackets and John Travolta mechanical bulls.

She was beautiful, but sadly forgettable. I never watched more than a few minutes of “Charlie’s Angels” and her film career wasn’t much to speak of. (The only two Farrah features I own are “Myra Breckinridge” and “Cannonball Run 2.”) Her beauty made such a strong impact that she remained in the headlines throughout her career. Sadly, the last decade was marked by news of scandal and sorrow in her relationship with Ryan O’Neal. She was the textbook example of what happens to a starlet once they lose their looks. Megan Fox take heed.

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So many people asked me why the Academy decided to up the stakes from 5 best picture nominees to 10. It’s so obvious. There are still a lot of fans out there that insist on seeing every best picture nominee. Since the industry has fallen on hard times Sid Ganis and the boys at Oscar, Inc. decided to boost attendance by doubling the amount of nominees. Don’t buy into this nonsense that the Academy was pressured into expanding the field by those who believe the best picture should be the biggest blockbuster. They could nominate 50 films and “The Dark Knight” would still not take home the gold.

__________

See you next Tuesday, unless they fix my computer sooner.

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Filed Under Rants

Dig A Hole: Ed McMahon

June 23rd, 2009 by Scott Marks

The consummate dog food salesman, Publisher’s Clearinghouse shill, Clydesdale lover, “Tonight Show” yuckster, discoverer of more stars than Galileo, bloopers meister and co-host of the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon - has sounded his last “Hey-Ooooooooooooooo!”

Edward Leo Peter “Ed” McMahon, Jr., the greatest Irishman since Martin Maher, died peacefully this morning after a long bout with pneumonia and other medical problems. He was 86.

Ed was a big, rather slovenly lug with a window-rattling cackle and a weakness for whiskey. Ed was the suburban Everyman who actually seemed to use the products he advertised, especially the beer.

The genial second banana was content to live his life in the shadows of others. Was there an art to what Ed McMahon did? Sure. He knew when to suck up and when to shut up.

One could always detect a nervous, downright excitable tension pulsating through Ed on “The Tonight Show.” He appeared so honored to have his rump parked at the end of Johnny’s panel that he frequently leaned forward with one cheek perched on the sofa cushion. At any given moment he was prone to projectile hee-haws. Was there a joke Johnny told that Ed didn’t find funny? If you wanted someone to make you look good without getting in the way, Ed was the best.

His work on “TV’s Practical Jokes and Bloopers,” opposite his old “Bandstand” pal Dick Clark was unmatched. No one whispered “Watch the upper right hand corner” more assuredly than EM.

One trait Ed borrowed from the Great Carsoni was his ability to go through women. He was married three times and known to deploy the aphrodisiac powers of his sidekick status to lure babes into the sack. Wasn’t there a scandal in the early 90s where Ed was caught propositioning “Star Search” models in a hotel room? You can’t be turned down!

Ed was a constant in my life almost from birth. As I write this I begin to realize just how much I am going to miss him. Not as “The Tonight Show’s” constant laugh track or his brilliant star turn in “Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off,” but as Jerry Lewis’ Telethon mate. Much has been written about Ed’s partnership with Johnny, but let’s face facts. Carson was a mean drunk, a cold and uncaring loner who wouldn’t  give his on-screen accomplice the time of day after he quit the show.

Jerry and Ed were another story. For 42 years Ed was a Labor Day fixture. He stood opposite Jerry introducing donors and accepting checks. When the numbers on the tote board failed to turn or the band blew a cue, it was up to Ed to tickle Jerry’s belly and keep the show on track. How terrible Jerry must feel knowing that he lost a true crusader and his lifelong friend.

Ed had been on the decline for quite some time. The once vibrant myrmidon of mirth began to literally erode before television viewer’s eyes. His rosy, sweat-polished cheeks and jet black brilliantined hair gradually turned ashen while his comfortable paunch shrank and puckered. Once the size of a Redwood, the frail, bent over giant now had to be helped on and off the stage.

2008 was a terrible year for Ed McMahon. It was announced in March that Ed broke his neck after a fall. A few months later he was struggling to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills home. He was also sued by Citibank and in an unrelated matter, his daughter’s divorce attorney for the combined sum of almost $900,000. Donald Trump came to the rescue and bought Ed’s home and allowed the family to live there rent free.

Ed McMahon is survived by his wife, Pamela, and five children. A sixth child, McMahon’s son Michael, died in 1995.

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Filed Under Obituaries

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