Study Guide to BOB HOPE: THE VIETNAM YEARS (1964 - 1972) - Part 4
June 21st, 2009 by Scott Marks
BOB
The Bob Hope Christmas Special (1967)
Starring: Raquel Welch, Barbara McNair, Elaine Dunn, Madeleine Hartog Bell (Miss World), Phil Crosby, Earl Wilson and Les Brown and His Band of Renown
Directed by Mort Lachman and an uncredited Carl Theodor Dryer
Written by Mort Lachman and Bill Larkin, John Rapp and Lester White, Charles Lee and Gig Henry
Photographed by Alan Stensvold in CinemaHope
Running Tine: 69 min.
Rating: 
I’ve been wanting to work my way through these 9 Nam specials for ages. As much as I love analyzing these marvelous specials for you kids at home, they take forever to get through. I study every frame like I’m translating cuneiform. This makes it 4 down and 5 to go. His will be done, eventually.
I cannot urge you strongly enough to rent or buy this DVD compilation.
It’s got over 9 hours worth of howls, gags, fun and more heartwarming entertainment that you and the family ever saw. They have copies for sale on Amazon starting at under 12 bucks. Twelve bucks!!! That’s barely one dollar for every ten thousand laffs! Remember, ladies and gentlemen, Bob Hope still is your best entertainment value!
And now…from Danang, Plaiku, Koo-Chi, Tak-Li, Palm Springs…
00:25 - Hey, you know you gotta’ get those pathos in right off the bat, you know what I mean? I tell ya’, this kid with the crutches is a guaranteed ratings grabber.
00:27 - Not even 30 seconds in! This must surely be the fastest Crosby mention on record.
01:00 - Hey, how ’bout that “Road to Hong Kong” style typeface they use to give the show an Oriental kinda’ flavor?
01:07 - Someone tell Barbara McNair that she has to sit at the back of the golf cart.
01:36 - This looks to be a pared down show. No opening banter, no stops in Washington, D.C. before heading to Nam. Bob opens the show with some welcome Les Brown bashing and it’s instantly off to Thailand. (Les looked stunning in a cobalt blue alpaca v-neck pullover.)
01:50 - Ubon, Thailand 8th Tactical Fighter Wing: Bob slays the crowd with some Taiwanese that’s been phonetically written out for him on index cards at his feet.
03:32 Another disparaging Les Brown mention! Bob is on fire!
03:40 - Rotsa’ rice jokes.
04:06 - Let’s get the obligatory Jerry Colonna reference out of the way right after the first show. A lieutenant with a handlebar mustache presents Bob with a framed gift “for a great entertainer who couldn’t be with us this year and whom we all miss very much, Jerry Colonna.”
04:50 - Bob explains that “hip expression, ” “Ring-a-Ding-Ding” to Madeleine Hartog Bell who protests claiming that she is not an “Esquare.” After some leaden banter Bob gets to the heart of the matter and asks Miss World her measurements.
07:09 - “Look at these cats.”
07:53: Danang - “And I wanna’ tell ya’ folks, these Marines are really tough.”
08:55 - “But these Marines have a great history. They’ve landed on more beaches than Frankie Avalon and Annette Fyoo-nicello.”
09:02 - “You know I go way back with the Marines. Wake Island, Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima. I saw all those pictures.” I love it when Bob brags to a group of soldiers that could lose their lives at any time that he’s a coward who never saw active duty.
09:44 - How ’bout some jokes about Dow Chemicals, the nice people that brought you napalm, Agent Orange and silicone breast implants? Brother George told Bob to invest heavily in Agent Orange. Legend has it Dolores still uses it on her garden in Palm Springs.
09:56 - “HEY!!!, can you imagine those peaceniks back home burning their draft cards? Why not come over here and Charlie will burn ‘em for ‘em?” Ah, burn ‘em all, just stay the hell away from Toluca Lake.
10:25 - Bob jokes about guys back home wearing mini skirts. He points his putter at the crowd and says, “Don’t laugh. If you’d have thought of it you wouldn’t be here.” Yeah, go gay and don’t fight for the U.S.A.
10:37 - A leering closeup of a stagehand try to repair Elaine Dunn’s broken zipper. Pimp Les Brown jokingly attempts to block the audiences’ view of Ms. Dunn. Good work, Les. This crowd didn’t pay to see Hope let alone a fashion disaster. Save the skin for the network specials. That’s where the real money is. BTW, Ms. Dunn neither sings nor dances during this segment. In fact, it’s just about the only time we see her throughout the entire show. Were it not for a broken zipper, it’s not certain that she would have made the final cut.
10:45 - In a flight of surrealism worthy of Bunuel, we swish-pan to beautiful Pasadena, California and the Rose Bowl Parade. Just kidding, folks! It’s sunny Tak-Li, Thailand and Bob honors the locals by making an appearance in their New Year’s parade.
10:55 - Capt. Neely Johnson tells the eager crowd that he can’t think of a better way to celebrate his 100th murder raid over Vietnam than by introducing Mr. Bob Hope. Bob is proud to shake the hand of a man responsible for slaughtering hundreds of Cong.
12:25 - San Diego in the house.
13:26 - Camp Bearcat, Vietnam: You’ve heard of a White Dog? This is a Hope dog trained to kill anyone that reads cue cards.
13:32 - Photo op with a bunch of Cong-killing Taiwanese.
13:45 - Bob, still stinging from the German Shepherd, introduces the segment with, “Let’s attack the men of the 9th Infantry Division.”
15:00 - Bob does a quick before and after look at Plaiku. “Four years ago all the had was a Captain and two platoons of monkeys.” He wants Ho Chi Min to see the “after” photos and crap his pants.
15:49 - Bob plays pocket pool with one hand while the other twirls his putter.
16:38 - Did he just introduce Raquel Welsh?
17:28 - Chesty liberal punk Welch suggests we do like the Israelis and “draft the girls along with the men.” Yeah, the only thing Bob can say in Hebrew is Bank Leumi.
17:40: “How’d you like our flight from the States, Raquel? Pretty wild, wadn’t it?” Mile High Club, right here!
17:42 - Raquel took a break from filming “love scenes with Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart” to be in Nam with BH. Welch was 27 and Jimmy was 60. I may have to track down a copy of Bandolero! to study the love scenes. The Master of sincere insincerity asks, “Hey, Jimmy Stewart is great, idn’t he?” Never did to his wife what philandering Bob did to Dolores.
A Les Brown sandwich
18:30 - There is so much contempt for Les Brown in this special that even the guest female object gets to put him down while besmirching Bob’s manhood. According to Ms. Welch, she learned that Bob wasn’t a great lover from Les Brown followed by a joke about a major American oil corporation. Bob returns the volley by claiming that Brown was turned down by the service because he had two left lips. How did Les know what kind of lover Bob was and when did Hope become an expert on Brown’s pucker?
20:00 - Bob rarely said a bad word about anything. but he openly despises Chuli, the “Malibu Beach for losers.” (Enjoy those emulsion scratches on Mr. Hope’s personal 16mm print!)
21:35 - Phyllis Diller once noted, “Hope does two great dialects– Negro and fag– he just can’t do them in public!” He comes close to pulling off the latter impersonation here. The scene in Chuli was so emotional that Bob witnessed two Marines kissing each other. (Cheers and applause.) “He said, ‘I can’t help it. He’s my replacement.’” (Thunderous ovation.)
21:53: -”HEY!!!
22:00 - Bob surprises a Marine by with news from his mother. The kid takes to the stage, Bob asks about a golf course in his home town and kicks him off. Another young soldier’s fiance asks that Bob send her beau a kiss from the prettiest girl in the troupe. Bob calls out his hairdresser, “the kind of thing that’s lurking around backstage,” and has her suck face with the recruit. Bob brings a Master Sergeant greetings from his wife who wants Bob to kiss him, so he plants one Pope style on the boy’s forehead . An 69-year-old seaman (not Jacobs) exchanges heavily edited quips with Ol’ Ski Nose. He represents everything America stands for. The galoot joined the navy in his teens to help ward off commies. “By, God, it’s still bad to me,” he says shaking his head. “Let’s get ‘em’!”
27:45 - Bob no likey Lai Khe, the home of the Big Red One! Rubber plantations and DeGaulle being a sap jokes.
29:17 - “Yes, sir, but it’s great to be back in Vietnam.” If only the war could have gone on forever. The gang performed for two-and-a-half hours and didn’t want to leave them because they knew what the boys were headed back to. Combat is much more entertaining than the slop Hope serves up.
30:00 - The audience at Phu-Cat fought their way through rice paddies to see the show. Bob poses with mortar shells and points out “Santy Clause” in the audience.
30:50 - Bob compliments Miss World on her linguistic expertise. Talk about spontaneity, when Bob asks for a member of the audience who speaks Spanish or French, the camera focuses on the volunteer who waits patiently for Bob to beckon him. The soldier gives her Fernandel and is rewarded with a kiss from MW, not BH.
34:33: Phan Rang opens with a sign welcoming Bing Crosby with the crooner’s name crossed out and replaced by Bob’s.
34:51 - Bob’s Christmas bonus to writer-director Mort Lachman: 4 seconds on national television.
35:05 - A rare nighttime pageant with Bob sporting a Sy Devore original!
36:20 - “No ‘Road’ trip would be complete without a Crosby. Here’s Phil.” Brace yourself — A joke that is actually funny: “I remember you when you were only knee-high to Bing’s wallet.” Bob and Der Bingle’s hydrocephalic stripling joke about the old man’s fertility, his genius as an acting coach. Bob refers to “The Birth of a Nation” as Bing’s autobiography. Arguably the funniest unintentional joke of the entire box set. Bing owns 4mm prints of all the “Road” pictures. He cut Bob’s half off. Again, legitimately funny stuff. One of Bob’s most enduring traits was his unwavering contempt for his partner. If Martin was as money hungry and as big an attention whore as Hope, he and Lewis would never have split. Poor Phil. His 90-second shot is monopolized by Bob vomiting on his partner. Hey, thanks for these memories!
Watch the next 5:59 at home on this ultra high quality, digitally remastered, THX certified copy as Bob performs aboard the U.S.S. Ranger, right here:
00:35/38:12 - “There’s Les Brown and he isn’t acting.” What does that mean?
01:04/38:41 - Swishy Bob flings his yellow scarf over his shoulder before removing a commemorative aviator’s jacket/prop and getting down to bidness.
01:54/39:31 - Bob kids about the size of the boat and asks, “For anybody who hates being here on this boat, how’d you like to be here without it?” You mean if Kennedy didn’t get us into the war in the first place?
02:37/40:12 - “If you see a pair of Jockey shorts buzzing the bridge they’re mine. What does that mean?
02:44/40:20 - Breaking the fourth wall, Bob brilliantly resorts to narration in order to explain an audio faux pas.
02:52/40:30 - What do you call a pair of doofuses? Doofs? Doofi? I call ‘em Les Brown and the Duke of Dupas, Earl WIlson. Look at the way this cat dresses. The baseball cap titled at just the right angle and a dreamy pair of orange sherbet colored slacks. I smell a skit coming
03:47/41:22 - Is Bob playing an “average seaman” a comment on his sperm count and the inability of the Hopes to have children of their own? (Or was it the staunchly religious Mrs. Hope’s constant cries of “get away from me with that thing” that caused the couples’ infertility?) Study Mr. Wilson’s Brechtian style of breaking character each time he laughs at one of Bob’s jokes. Yeah, he had better laugh or next year he’ll be replaced by Johnny Grant of Irv Kupcinet.
04:37/42:16 - Earl has difficulty reading (cue cards) and pretending to write at the same time.
05:01/42:37 - Insert your own innuendo here.
05:27/43:06 - “Earl Wilson, right there!”
05:39/43:17 - Stock footage from “Destination Tokyo?”
End of simultaneous transmission.
43:57 - Just because the kids on an aircraft carrier in The Coral Sea gave you an ill-fitting, canary yellow long-sleeved t-shirt as a gift doesn’t mean you have to wear it in public.
44:05 - His Holiness likens the enormity of the ship to Jackie Gleason ’s rubber duck. Gleason was so fat that he used an aircraft carrier as a bathtub toy? Is that the joke?
44:25 - Comparing San Diego to Subic Bay.
44:51 - Bob claims his son Kelly enlisted to hide from the army, but we know the very old, not so funny, violently insane psychopath the boy was trying to get away from.
45:34 - Cam Ranh Bay, a zillion dollar catbox!
46:45 - So much to take in! On stage left, Bob sings about feeling so young while opposite him Raquel shakes her cans and does a boogaloo bump ‘n grind for the boys. Study Les Brown’s smart pair of PF Fliers. When Raq takes over the mike and attempts to belt out “You’re An Old Smoothie,” Bob does a geriatric buck ‘n wing. Love those white ban-lon hose.
47:50 - Les laughing at his Master’s brilliance.
49:13 - Bob’s Christmas bonus to his staff: A quick group pan before we reach Koo-Chi.
49:59 - Alcoholic pilot joke.
50:04 - Jokester in the crowd with a “The Return of Packy East” banner. Time to resurrect the old “Rembrandt Hope” rib.
51:32 - This time they celebrate a Major’s 100th mission by tossing him into the Officer’s Club pool.
51:47 - Hey, how ’bout that plug for Korat Khrysler, huh? Now that’s what I call a petty cab.
52:43 - “Anyway, I wanna’ tell ya’…”
55:49 - A lucky few are allowed to take to the stage and watusi with Raquel. Love the shorts and socks combo on the spasmodic dude on the right.
57:00 - Cameo for Gen. Bill Westmoreland who gets to introduce a real hot goddammit, Nguyen Kow Ki. Great movie star shades! I kept waiting for Bob’s wrist to go limp as he goofed on Ki’s flaming pink scarf. As Bob looks on, NKK does a brilliant job of stating the obvious to the troops: “I am sure that a generation of Vietnamese today and those to come will remember you.”
58:36 - Raq, Barbara McNair (I forgot she was on this show), Miss World and Elaine Dunn wear prom dresses and surround the oracle as he models koo-koo threads given to him by Ki. Needless to say, the silk robe and matador’s cap only make him look more ridiculous.
58:42 - Let’s roll out some big guns: the Vietnamese Lady Bird, and the only chick on the bus Bob didn’t hit on, Mrs. Ki, or as I call her Fun. Next up, Ambassador Elsworth Bunker modeling a smart seersucker sport coat and the lucky woman that gets to wake up next to him every morning. Also in the crowd, some general Bob played golf with.
59:24 - A quick stop at Clark Air Base in the Philippines gives us another quick glance at the underrepresented Ms. McNair.
59:51 - Last stop: Guam. The first time we see the entire cast assembled together on one stage.
1:00:03 - The most important man in showbiz, Bob’s card-turner and a man that I wish was my uncle, Woody Marks.
1:00:32 - Bob’s Christmas bonus to the entire crew: A lateral pan of everyone that made this show possible. Everyone is called by name except Madeleine Hartog Bell.
1:01:13 - Barbara leads them in the ceremonial singing of “Silent Night.”
BOB’S CLOSING REMARKS
BOB (VO):
Well, that’s about it. I wish I could have bottled this group but they had to get back to the store. (WTF does that mean?) If there’s anything an actor hates it’s losing an audience. I hope this one’s real careful. There we go. There’s a few of the faithful waving goodbye before we start the long trip home. It’s been a great Christmas. I know that there are millions of Americans that would have like to share it with us. There’s a lot to remember, a lot to think about. Memories of the people and the faces that will stay with us a lomng time. I’d like to thank the Defense Department and my favorite travel agency the U.S.O. for helping to make it possible. I also want to thank the Chrysler Corporation for their generosity and thoughtfulness in giving uo their commercials so we could show you more of our fighting men. And before I forget, I wanna’ thank all of my fellow gypsies for a great job. This was an ambitious trip. 22 bases in 15 days. Col. Red Beasley of the Pentagon really laid one out this year. You know, people keep asking us why we keep making these trips. Maybe this, in part, answers their question. They even fought to get in to see us…The big topic of conversation here is “how many days you got left?” Most of these kids have it tattooed on their eyeballs. You work for these kids and hear the laughs and applause and you really forget there’s a war going on.
CUT TO:
Bob and the gang paying sickbed calls to wounded soldier.
BOB (VO CONTD)
Then you visit the hospitals (voice drops) and you’re brought back to reality.
Gary Crosby exchanges pleasantries with a soldier.
BOB (VO CONTD)
The thing that impresses you about these patients is their wonderful sense of humor. They amaze you the way they look up at you and smile. Maybe they’re doing it to keep up our morale, and we can use it when we walk into these hospitals.
Les signs a patient’s body cast.
BOB (VO CONTD)
Les Brown and one of our heroes. They took this jagged 2 pound steel slug out of this boy’s hip. They got this boy right through the pocketbook. Too bad it wasn’t Bing’s wallet (Bob says as though hoping for the assassination of his partner.) He wouldn’t have been scratched.
Bob interviews a soldier from Indiana with a tracheotomy who suffered from multiple shrapnel wounds. The doctor assures Bob that everything is coming back.
BOB
Idn’t dat nice? And you’ll be back there in Indiana. They did pretty well. They’re going to the Rose Bowl.
BOB (VO CONTD)
You wonder why these kids are still smiling. Well, these are the lucky ones. A lot of the buddies didn’t make it at all. This war gets bigger every year. And as the war gets bigger, the casualties mount. The Fighting Fourth Division here at Plaiku now has its own memorial.
After Bob reads its inscription we flashback to Nguyen Kow Ki asking for freedom, peace and independence.
BOB (VO CONTD)
Wouldn’t it be great if this came true? A lot of people are praying that it will. This year we miss two men who borough comfort and solace to our troops: His Eminence Cardinal Spellman and Billy Graham whose been grounded temporarily. We hope he’ll be back soon. But there’s no lack of men of good faith. Despite the millions of words that have been spoken and written we know there are no easy answers to this conflict. But an answer there must be. Somehow we must get through to Hanoi, in one way or another, that it’s all such a waste. That it’s better to build than destroy. There are now a few faint glimmers of hope, a few telltale signs that reason may yet prevail. We hope and pray that before too long the peace for which we are all yearning will become a reality. With God’s help, this will be the year. We had a great Christmas. Thanks for the memory.
Share: 
Filed Under Rants, Uncategorized
Comments
4 Responses to “Study Guide to BOB HOPE: THE VIETNAM YEARS (1964 - 1972) - Part 4”
Leave a Reply
00:21 – Soul sister Barbara McNair reaches out to slip some skin with a GI and nearly takes the poor grunt’s hand off.
00:49 – Bob’s gettin’ REAL friendly with that elephant! One Republican symbol to another!
01:20 – Miss World’s waving to the troops – someone didn’t shave her pits. She’s European, what did you expect?
05:06 – A band member directly behind Bob and Ms. Ring-a-Ding-Ding pulls focus to wipe off some flop sweat – drinking with Les Brown will do that to you.
05:16 – Bob says “They thought I was a replacement” for the 3,958th time.
05:50 – Les Brown (left side of screen) stops to hear Miss World’s measurements – screw the music, this is important!
07:05 – Bob arrives by helicopter at Danang. Hope raises his golf club to wave hello while he’s still under the rotor blades – what a goofball!
10:25 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie_L2ylmRSY
10:40 – Just how many Hope Enterprises employees does it take to fix a broken zipper? Answer: 4
11:16 – Hope and Colonna, together again. Wait, that’s Capt. Neely Johnson? How the hell does he get his flight helmet over that ’stache of his?
11:45 – “Here we are at Tak-Li, the megalopolis of the boondocks. I don’t even know what that means…” Neither do we, Bob.
11:59 – “I found out a way to beat the heat…” Subconsciously, Bob removes his hat to let his bald pate get some air. A scream!
13:52 – Les Brown (left side of screen) asking the drummer for some hair of the dog.
15:00 – John W. Bubbles wasn’t on the trip at Plaiku two years earlier – so who’s that dancing on the stage?
16:38 – As Raquel Welch walks to center stage, Les walks wide stage right to get a great look at her ass in a mini-skirt. That’s my boy!
16:50 – Raquel: “Bob, am I standing in the right place?” Intercut the footage of the “cats” at the 7:09 mark.
20:22 – Bob on Silver Star winner who introduced him: “You’ll never catch him with a picket sign.” Take that, you damn hippies!
21:07 – Hope notes Chuli has Navy, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, and Marines. Even though he detests this place, Bob will go where he knows the TV ratings are.
21:45 - Bob says “They thought I was a replacement” for the 3,959th time. (Thunderous ovation.)
23:47 – In the absence of the Great Colonna, Hope’s film editors had instructions for a time to pick out any close-ups of GIs with handlebar mustaches. We miss ya, Jerry!
24:28 – “I knew it was you Fredo, I wanna tell ya…”
26:16 – The only thing missing from the old swabbie’s speech is the band playing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
27:58 – Hope and Earl Wilson emerge from a bunker with Elaine Dunn. We’ve yet to see Dunn dance but guessing by their grins, Bob and Earl just did! HI-YOOOOOOO!
30:11 – Bob does his best impersonation of Jayne Mansfield from “The Girl Can’t Help It”, substituting spent shell casings for milk bottles.
31:23 – Bob on the Arkansas soldier who sprang onto stage claiming he could speak Spanish or Russian: “He’s not a linguist, he’s anxious”. Actually, he’s a plant! Hope paid this guy two bits – ratings, brother, ratings!
32:56 – 33:13 – Bob gets two language lessons from the soldier. The first is pigeon French. But looking at their pouty lips and the loving gazes in their eyes, the other is the language of love.
34:17 – Another gratuitous shot of a GI wearing a cast on his foot. Helloooo, Nielsens!
34:40 – Quick shot of Phil Crosby trying to erase his father’s crossed out name. Bing would have buh-buh-been proud!
35:14 – Les Brown can be seen sneaking off stage in the dark and into a bottle.
38:08 – Shot of Hope in the cockpit to prove his nose is longer than the plane’s.
38:12 – “There’s Les Brown and he isn’t acting.” That’s drinking, Bob, DRINKING!
40:30 – 43:06 – Damn, Scott, you covered it all… leave me a couple of crumbs, will ya?
44:51 – Bob’s son Kelly was enlisted into the Navy and Hope’s gonna milk that for all its worth!
46:45 – 48:56 – You covered it all again - Scott Marks, right there!
50:00 – Ahhh yes! Another GI with a Colonna mustache. Sweeeeet Adelineeeeee…
52:57 – The same band member toweling off behind Bob – the nights drinking with Les got longer as the tour neared the end.
53:06 - The money shot: a recuperating black GI flat on his back in his jammies. I smell Emmy…
54:56 – Third shot of the band member toweling off behind Bob. Remember boys and girls, the USO never cuts their alcohol!
56:42 – Raquel receiving kisses from grunts who got up to dance with her. Watch her facial expression (which screams “not on the lips, buddy”) remain stoic. Not once does Welch make eye contact with any of them. Unintentionally hilarious.
57:40 – Nguyen Kow Ki got his black jump suit from Jack LaLanne and the scarf from Liberace.
59:24 – Another Elaine Dunn spotting - helluva dancer, ain’t she?
1:02:53 – Footage from the flight home presumably. Bob and Raquel are nowhere to be seen. Either they were joining the mile high club or they refuse to travel with the seasonal help.
1:05:02 – Scott’s comment is as accurate as that bullet that hit the wallet. BRILLIANT!
1:06:31 – 1:07:26 – Some of the footage of the religious GIs look lifted from atomic bomb tests at Yucca Flats.
1:07:45 – End credit: Choreography by Jack Baker. He did a great job with Elaine Dunn!
1:08:21 – V/O: “We hoped you enjoyed this 90 minute presented without commercial interruption…” Where’s the extra footage? Don’t hold your breath for the Director’s Cut – Mort Lachman died earlier this year:
http://tinyurl.com/d5s3lk
1:08:48 – V/O: “This is Frank Barton inviting you to stay tuned for ‘The Dean Martin Show’”. At last – quality entertainment!
Not only are we the only ones writing about these inane specials, we’re the only ones reading this. The one thing I had to back and check was BH lifting his putter underneath the rotor blades. A John Landis moment in the making if ever there was one!
You have inspired me. Time to go pull out Part 5 this weekend and get to humping. Thanks for the tear inducing comments, Rob. Next year may we meet on the Ledge in Toluca Lake! We’ll rewrite the lyrics to the Stooges “Oh. Elaine” and serenade Dolores to snap her out of her dementia induced doldrums.
I was at Lai Khe 1967 and got to see Bob Hope Raquel Welch, Barbara McNair, lost all my photos after returning to the world. Thanks for the memories.
Bring me the head of Bob Hope.