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2010 Academy Awards recap

March 8th, 2010 by Scott Marks

Warning: To avoid danger of suffocation, keep plastic bags away from babies, children and Oscar.

The red carpet “Frankenstein” shot (start on the feet and pan up) of Gabby Sidibe was worthy of Whale.

Oddest married couple’s hair of the evening: Sarah Jessica Parker has a challah growing on the back of her head and Matthew Broderick’s hair seems to have been done by the same stylist who aged James Dean in “Giant.”

Christoph Waltz looks naked without an armband.

Everyone on the red carpet kept asking Gabby Sidibe what her next role will be. If she doesn’t win the Oscar it’s straight to Jenny Craig commercials.

Did Kathy Ireland say that Miley Cyrus has “mastered comedy” and Gabby Sidibe “turned your genius into a dream come true?” I need to study her every thought.

“Drop the soap” and Dolly Parton jokes in Neil Patrick Harris’ opening number. It’s going to be a long night.

Meryl Streep’s Hitler memorabilia? A “Precious” video game? Putting on 3-D glasses to see James Cameron? Encouraging Christoph Waltz to ethnically cleanse the audience? Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin’s starstruck opening monologue was one of the funniest in Oscar history.

What’s with the effing 1.85 and/or full frame clips from ‘Scope movies?

George Harvey is a piker compared to Col. Hans Landa. We salute the Academy for honoring Oberführer Waltz!!! A brilliantly crafted acceptance speech. None of that “I want to thank…” nonsense. He told a story.

I know that times are tough, but who knew that Harvey Weinstein couldn’t afford a razor.

Was Ryan Reynolds doing his Rod Serling impression?

The new footage created for the Best Animated Feature segment was uniformly terrific.

No more suffering through the endless Best Song nominees. So far the streamlining is paying off.

“The Hurt Locker” is a better screenplay for a war movie than “Inglourious Basterds?”

Time to take a dump. It’s a tribute to John Hughes. In life, the Academy wouldn’t give Hughes the time of day. I didn’t see a tribute to Russ Meyer when he kicked. What effing hypocrites! The clip reel, particularly the pathos-laden section, brought it all back.

“Logorama” beat out Wallace & Gromit? Now that’s a major upset.

Douche Chills Central: Roger Ross Williams not waiting for Elinor Burkett to get to the stage to mutually accept the award for “Music for Prudence.” She looks like she’d be a delight to work with on the set.

Ben Stiller is a ja*off.

I forgot that “Il Divo” received a nomination. Lot of good it did the film.

Forget the dry look. Michael Stuhlbarg looks better in character.

Kudos to the genius who decided to include a clip from the fried chicken sequence in “Precious.”

Uh-oh. “Precious” won best screenplay.

Roger Corman, Gordon Willis and Lauren Bacall (you can keep John Calley) don’t get to speak at the ceremony, but they waste time honoring John Hughes!??!

I’m still shocked that Mo’Nique beat out Anna Kendrick.

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James Cameron’s Airport A’hole Shouting Match

December 24th, 2009 by Scott Marks

Sign or Shine?

The entire cast had already inscribed the “Avatar” one sheet. All he needed was the king of the world’s signature to transform the poster into eBay gold.

Armed with little more than a Sharpie, a piece of movie memoribilia and a porkpie hat, the desperate fan waits with his mini-camera crew to snare the reclusive auteur outside LAX. James Cameron takes one look at the poster and does everything in his powers to refrain from tearing it to shreds.

All he has to do is take the marker and scrawl his name. What’s the big deal? Instead, he gives the guy a snubbing he’ll never forget. ” “I don’t owe you a f**king signature … just get out of my f**king personal space.” Later, in a stage whisper, Cameron refers to his airport escort as an “effing a**hole.”

The fan, who worked an hour of his life to afford the $15 to see “Avatar” in IMAX 3D, instantly turns on its master and becomes Cameron’s vocal assailant.

The biggest laugh comes when Cameron actually acknowledges the guy by saying, “Every time you open your mouth you absolutely justify my decision.” 

The battle is lost when the heated fan chides Cameron with “Even spielberg signs whatever you have.” (Do you think he’d sign my picture of Jonathan Norman?) Not guilty by reason of spielberg! He should have cold-cocked him for that insult.

Watch the video at TMZ.

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