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THE CREAM OF THE CRAP: 20 FILMS THAT ARE SO BAD THEY’RE EDUCATIONAL

November 26th, 2007 by Scott Marks

In order of reverence:

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1. HOT RODS TO HELL / John Brahm (1967)

Drunken invalid (pronounced “een-valid”) Dana Andrews drives his family through the dessert en route to the motel of their dreams located in the middle of nowhere. A group of clean cut hooligans, with a thing for Dana’s daughter, proceed to terrorize the family for kicks. From the slurred line readings, well-intentioned morality pleas, blinding day-for-night cinematography and the Mickey Rooney, Jr. Trio, this houses almost as many laughs as Duck Soup. Originally intended for TV, M-G-M’s lion shat this into theaters. The “restored” DVD copy is longer than the version we grew up on with more dialogue and different music cues.

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2. THE OSCAR / Russell Rouse (1967)

You get the feeling that all involved thought they were participating in a searing indictment of Hollywood, USA. A non-stop laff riot due in large part to the one and only big-screen performance by potato head Tony Bennett. He seems spooked each time the camera moves and his stiff line-readings will break your rewind button. Stephen Boyd plays sh*theel Frankie Fayne, a man seated atop that glass mountain called success, who will let nothing stand in the way of Oscar® gold. The screenplay by Harlan Ellison is, quite literally, perfectly awful. What can be said of a film in which Milton Berle gives the most credible performance?

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3. THE BABE RUTH STORY / Roy Del Ruth (1948)

There was was a man named Babe Ruth who played baseball. The truth stops there in this sickeningly maudlin portrait of a Christ-like boob who hits a ball with a stick and cures crippled kids simply by saying “Hiya!” Bill Bendix plays the sultan of syphilis from a ridiculous teen makeover for the flashbacks to his demise by cinematic crucifixion. The Bambino’s reverential death scene makes DeMille’s King of Kings look sacrilegious by comparison. This also contains some of the worst child acting ever committed to film. With all of the crappy baseball films that are out on home video, why hasn’t The Babe found it’s righful home in a plastic snapcase?

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4. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE / Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1959)

The cardboard sets and flying percolator lids that attack Hollywood are more convincing than any of the acting. Morphine-soaked Bela Lugosi’s last role was cut short by death causing Wood to “double” him with his much younger chiropractor. Tor Johnson makes Antonio Banderas sound like Rod Serling and Bunny Breckinridge checking out his fellow actors’ crotches is sublime.

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5. GLEN OR GLENDA / Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1953)

Another Wood-en gem. A strung out Bela Lugosi narrates this shocking tale of transvestism. Wood plays the title roles in this seering expose of women trapped in men’s bodies.

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6. JOHNNY COOL / William Asher (1963)

Henry Silva’s Hamlet! Silva had one of the toughest mugs in movies, but as soon as he spoke the fear quickly (and hilariously) dissipated. He’s a pussy compared to Marc Lawrence, the real Johnny Colini, who transforms his student into a killing machine. Loads of star cameos, including Joey Bishop, Jim Backus and Telly Savalas, make this highly watchable.

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7. DRUM / Steve Carver (1977)

Mandingo lit the fuse and Drum was the explosion. As much as I’ll defend the brilliance of Richard Fleischer’s original tale of slave trading, the sequel will leave you slack jawed in disbelief. John Colicos gives the affected performance of his career as a gay slave trader who’s eventually “nutted” by Ken Norton. Overflowing with gratuitous nudity, senseless violence and reel after reel of politically incorrect dialogue.

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8. ROBOT MONSTER / Phil Tucker (1953)

Originally shot in 3-D, this film is void of both depth and dimension. A guy dressed in a gorilla suit topped off by a deep sea diving helmet terrorizes a family in the dessert. The entire film is shot outdoors, because unlike The Naked Spur, the producers couldn’t afford to build sets. Fortunately, there was enough money in the budget to afford a bubble machine. Stunning in its simplicity!

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9. MEN OF BOY’S TOWN / Norman Taurog (1941)

After the success of the stomach-churning Boys Town M-G-M once again unleashed auturd Norman Taurog for an even sappier sequel. In light of the recent Church sex allegations, I dare you to keep a straight face when Father Spencer Tracy comforts a boy in his sickbed by cooing, “Did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes.” Want to learn how to wring yet another tear from the audience? When all else fails, toss a pooch under the back wheels of a truck. This is the type of film that gives maudlin a good name.

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10. THE CONQUEROR / Dick Powell (1956)

John Wayne as Genghis Khan in CinemaScope and Stereophonic Sound! Stop me if you’ve heard this one. “My mother! You did not suckle me to die by the hands of a Tar-tar!” Only The Oscar has riper dialogue. The exterior scenes were shot near nuclear testing grounds and the set was practically phosphorescent. Over the next twenty years, the entire cast and crew were wiped out due to the fallout. Equally surprising is that their careers survived past opening night.

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11. THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH / Del Tenney (1964)

A bunch of radioactive sea creatures attack a swinging beach party. The best of the grade ‘Z’ schlock horror films with latex monsters. Infinitely more entertaining and much less cinematic than any of the Frankie & Annette pairings.

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12. SHACK OUT ON 101 / Edward Dein (1955)

Major slice of white bread Frank Lovejoy cracks a ring of commies located in a seaside hash house. 90% of the action takes place on one set, and you haven’t lived till you’ve seen the homoerotic scene in which Lee Marvin and Keenan Wynn go scuba diving in the diner.

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13. SUSAN SLADE / Delmer Daves (1961)

Bubble-less soaper with cute Connie Stevens as damaged goods. After Bert Convy dies in a skiing accident, leaving Connie with a bellyful of sperm, it’s up to grandma Dorothy Maguire to raise the baby as her own. Lloyd Nolan’s death scene and an incendiary doll substituting for a kid playing with matches, are two of the films many lowlights. Prime Douglas Sirk material with none of The Master’s sense style of irony.

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14. HITLER: DEAD OR ALIVE / Nick Grinde (1942)

Four American chowderheads travel to Berlin to kick the stuffing out of the head Natzy rat. Shameless propaganda made towards the beginning of the war when the goose-steppers were still being portrayed as oafs and buffoons. Everyone, including Schicklegruber, dies in the hopelessly hokey outcome. Ward Bond’s pleas for the “Kiiiiiiiiids” is a safe distance from John Ford.

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15. THE KILLER SHREWS / Ray Kellogg (1959)

Greyhound dogs sporting shag carpeting scare son-of-the-pioneers Ken Curtis and Baruch Lumet, noted acting coach and father of Sidney. Lumet obviously didn’t pay attention to his teachings. Listening to his Yiddish tongue fracture the English language is a hoot.

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16. DEATH WISH III / J. Lee Thompson (1985)

Paul Kersey/Kimball is on the loose again in this brain-dead, vigilante-by-the-numbers action film. Ancient Charles Bronson can barely lift his leg let alone a gun. As always, any woman stupid enough to go out with him also has a date with death. Lee Strassberg could have learned from Chuck’s love scenes, particularly the astonishing “I like chicken…Chicken is good” exchange.

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17. BIG JIM McLAIN / Edward Ludwig (1952)

Who wins when John Wayne does battle with The Reds? Why the audience, of course!

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18. PLATINUM HIGH SCHOOL / Charles Haas (1960)

Pint-sized Mickey Rooney takes on the role of a tough guy investigating the mysterious death of his son at a military academy. The Mick could be a very capable actor, something this movie fails to demonstrate.

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19. TARZAN’S NEW YORK ADVENTURE / Richard Thorpe (1942)

After M-G-M ran out of jungle subplots they shifted the action to the Big Apple. Johnny Weismuller wearing a suit and scaling buildings is only the beginning. The phone conversation between Mantan Moreland and Cheetah, whom he confuses for a fellow black man, will have you pulling your hair out.

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20. THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN / Sam Newfield (1938)

You probably won’t get through more than the first fifteen minutes, but for a quarter-of-an-hour you’ll find more laughs than all of Kevin Smith’s films combined. Watching little people ride Shetland ponies and walk under barroom doors is genius, but the glut of foul musical numbers will kill you.

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June 11th, 2007 by admin

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