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Emulsion Compulsion’s Top Ten Most Popular Posts

September 7th, 2008 by Scott Marks

With the Telethon still illuminating the inner recesses of my mind, I thought that with your kind indulgence ladies and gentlemen, you might allow me to add a dash of information to the entertainment and take you behind the scenes to further understand why we do what we do.  After several cost prohibitive toll calls to Emulsion Compulsion’s Fort Wayne, Indiana-based law firm Bigschnoz, Shylock and Cochran, I finally received permission to print these rather surprising statistics.

What follows is a list of the top ten biggest hit-getting posts in EC’s history.

  1. EC’s biggest hit-getter to date is also its most recent phenomenon. In a little over two weeks, the Gentlemen Prefer Blondes image gallery has received tens of thousands of visits. Not bad for a couple of girls from Little Rock!
  2. Rielle Hunter - EC was one of the first web sites to report on the National Enquirer’s discovery of John Edwards’ “love child.” I caught some shrapnel from a couple of EC regulars for devoting so much space to this seemingly non-film related caprice.  Hey, she’s a filmmaker. Shut up!
  3. Sydney Pollack - Once again, the Enquirer is my Shepherd. It leadeth me to the sad discovery that the beloved film director had terminal cancer. No one would dare print the Enquirer’s findings, except for yours truly. If you run “Sidney Pollack” and “cancer” through Google, EC still comes up in the top five. As much as I hate to admit it, this is the only decent and positive story to appear on this blog. Not only did it reach Mr. Pollack’s granddaughter, my coverage actually put the late director in touch with several of his high school cronies.
  4. Audrey Hepburn - Still the most beautiful and one of the most talented actresses of all time, the biggest shock is that Ms. Hepburn’s image gallery isn’t #1.
  5. Molly Cyrus and…
  6. Keith Ledger - Never underestimate the American publics’ inability to spell. It’s not foolproof, however. What works for Sherry O Terry, Sidney Pollack and Joel Wickland has no effect whatsoever on Jerry Louis or Martin Scorcese.
  7. Jerry Lewis - Considering the marvelous tchotchkes from my private warehouse stoked with Jerryabilia and all of crap I’ve written about my hero, I should change the name of the site to Timpani Compulsion.
  8. Earlier this year, I wrote a piece of 40 Movie Remakes planned by the studios which the gluttons for punishment that frequent this site couldn’t get enough of.
  9. Joan Crawford -  The anti-Audrey has quite a following on EC, particularly these before and after shots of the haggard Hollywood glamor queen.
  10. Finally, people seem to be genuinely interested in my list of Films to See Before You Die.

My personal favorite post is this one. While doing my daily “research,” I happened across the name Jerry Mahoney, half of my favorite childhood ventriloquist act.  Were people still talking about Paul Winchell’s puppet? Of course not. A Piscataway, NJ police officer named Jerry Mahoney was shot to death by his son John Mahoney, and all this reporter could see was Frazier’s father drawing a bead on a dummy. (Will Knucklehead be next?) People were outraged and EC received its one and only piece of hate mail, an angry letter from a Jersey resident claiming that I have “a sick mind.” In the words of Stan Schmenge, “That’s for sure!”

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Filed Under Rants

Heath Ledger did not get drugs from Mary-Kate Olsen, according to her lawyer

August 4th, 2008 by Scott Marks

When asked if she knew where Heath Ledger got the drugs that killed him, Mary-Kate Olsen did her best Sgt. Schultz impression by claiming, “I know nothing!”

In a statement issued on Monday, the heroin-chic moppet’s lawyer Michael C. Miller said that his client, “already provided investigators with relevant information.” People Magazine also quotes Mr. Miller as saying, ”Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them.” 

The statement was issued following a report, confirmed by People, that Olsen, 22, requests immunity from prosecution before she’ll agree to cooperate with a federal investigation into her close friend’s death from an accidental overdose.

The statement continued, “Regarding the government’s investigation, at Ms. Olsen’s request, we have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed. We don’t know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the government’s inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

The former Fill House star is one half of…well, nothing and was last seen on screen French kissing Gandhi.

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