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Judge dismisses cancerous lawsuit against Robert DeNiro

March 12th, 2008 by Scott Marks

hide-and-seek.jpg
Hide and seek refuge in another multiplex

LOS ANGELES - Listen you screwheads, the honorable Judge Rolf M. Treu has found Bobby D. blameless in a lawsuit filed against the actor by an insurance company that claimed he misrepresented his health for a movie role.

Where do they get their balls big enough to file an accusation like that?

Fireman’s Fund Insurance Co. handled the despisable horror film Hide and Seek in which the “greatest actor of his generation” was bested by that scene-stealing moppet Dakota Fanning. The company claimed the actor lied about his condition when he wrote that he had never been diagnosed with or treated for prostate cancer.

The Associated Press reports that court documents prove that De Niro was diagnosed with prostate cancer on Oct. 15, 2003, two days after he signed the medical certificate. De Niro underwent a prostate-gland biopsy on Oct. 10, 2003.

A Los Angeles Superior Court granted De Niro’s motion for summary judgment on Monday.

“This ruling vindicates what we’ve said all along,” De Niro’s attorney Robyn Crowther said. “We are pleased that the court has found that Fireman’s Fund can’t sue Mr. De Niro for getting cancer.”

Too bad fans and critics can’t sue Mr. DeNiro. Through his career choices, for the past ten years Robert DeNiro has willingly and knowingly  spread an insidious strain of multiplex cancer throughout malls across America. There should have been wanted posters slapped on every box office that sold tickets for Stardust offering a million dollar reward for information leading to DeNiro’s arrest on charges of prostitution.

De Niro’s diagnosis and resulting treatment delayed the movie production. Fireman’s Fund paid Fox more than $1.8 million to cover the cost of the delay. Hide and Seek metastasized in theaters in January 2005.

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Filed Under News

HIDE AND SEEK / John Polson (2005)

January 30th, 2005 by Scott Marks

Robert DeNiro in HIDE AND SEEK (2005)

Hide and Seek (2005)

Directed by: John Polson

Written by: Ari Schlossberg

Cast: Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning, Famke Janssen, Elisabeth Shue, Amy Irving, Dylan Baker, Melissa Leo, Robert John Burke, Molly Grant Kallins, David Chandler, Stewart Summers, Jake Dylan Baumer

Aspect Ratio: 2.35 : 1

Genres: Thriller, Drama, Horror

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆

After the audience is led to believe the first Mrs. Spielberg committed suicide, psychologist/grieving-ex Robert DeNiro decides the best thing to cushion their daughter’s (Dakota Fanning) loss would be near-total seclusion. They move to the boonies and the isolation brings forth Charlie, Dakota’s imaginary, and deadly, playmate.

This is the type of film where anybody that comes to the front door is either a suspect or a victim making the surprise ending hopelessly telegraphed. Helen Keller in another multiplex with gloves on could see how this one’s going to resolve. The only genuine shock is that filmmakers still think a Dolby-enhanced cat jumping from a closet is going to scare an audience.

DeNiro underplays the first hour to the point of somnambulism. What about this vacuous, predictable project appealed to him? One can understand little Dakota wanting to work with “the greatest actor of his generation,” but the other way around? Fifteen years ago, would anyone have believed that critics would be positive simply because DeNiro held his own against a child? Even after the big reveal I kept craving something different, but he just wasn’t up for it.

Given the way Bobby D’s been whoreing of late, “Robert DeNiro is Chucky” as opposed to a mean-drunk version of Harvey would have been preferable. What was his excuse this time? Can’t use the “Rocky and Bullwinkle,? I-did-it-so-my-kid-could-see-one-of-my-movies defense. Not quite the embarrassment of Godsend or Showtime, just another artistic stumble in Bob’s unbreakable string of new millennium runs for the paycheck.

In this case, the patented, patronized-Pupkin voice is misapplied. He’s a jealousy-driven murderer living out life as a widowed father and all he can muster are banal pleasantries in a therapist’s nonjudgmental tone. The inadequate dialogue doesn’t help, but where’s the old Bobby D. who could infuse even the most inarticulate blockheads with layers of gist? (I’m talking artistic blockheads like Quentin Tarantino and Penny Marshall, not Jake LaMotta or Travis Bickle.)

Instead of a psychological drama, the filmmakers instead opt for the safe whodunit approach. Develop the two sides of the DeNiro character instead of trying to obscure one in favor of a humdrum surprise ending. As for the newly brunette toddler with the Max Factor raccoon eyes, she’s a good kid actor. What do you want me to say? But even for a kid her taste in projects is unsophisticated.

Some clever vidiot should cut together a comparison reel of this film’s, “Come out, come out wherever you are” tagline and DeNiro’s Max Cady-read from “Cape Fear.” I remember feeling Marty was bamboozled by Bobby into directing an Amblin-produced re-make. When Minnelli and Hawks tried to work in as many genres as possible, there was no such thing as a slasher picture. I never thought I’d say it, but in comparison this makes Max Cady look like DeNiro at his zenith. In this case, a little of Cady’s charm would not have hurt.

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Filed Under Reviews, Theatrical