Dig A Hole: Kentucky Derby runner up Eight Belles
May 3rd, 2008 by Scott Marks
The first time I remember seeing Howard Stern was on a 1984 episode of Late Night with David Letterman. This was right after Kentucky Derby winner Swale had to be euthanized. Stern wanted to open his segment by telling that audience that the animal died of AIDS. What better way to illustrate his point than by having two gay men trot on stage dressed in a horse costume?
Needless to say, the NBC censors didn’t get the joke.
This came to mind while reading the obituary of Eight Belles, today’s second-place Derby winner. If you think that I detest the competitive nature of professional sports, just ask me my thoughts on bringing animals into the arena.
If my dear friend, master director and Mexico’s first gringo torero, Budd Boetticher didn’t sell me on the beauty and pageantry of getting some brightly colored dandy to step into a ring in order to slaughter a bull while spectators cheered him on, no one will. Were I ever to attend a bullfight (I’d sit through Schindler’s List a hundred times before ever again setting foot in Tijuana let alone taking in a fight) you can rest assured that I’d cheer for the bull. After all, what’s one more macho pinhead, more or less?
At the movies, when a boulder falls on Wile E. Coyote, he brushes his fur and immediately resumes the chase. At the track, Eight Belles never got up; the filly collapsed with two broken front ankles and was instantly put down. I pray that all the imbeciles sucking on juleps and wearing colorful chapeaus got what they paid for today.
Tags: 2nd Place, Eight Belles, Euthanize, Filly, Horse, Howard Stern, Howard_Stern, Kentucky Derby, Killed, Put Down, Racehorse, Second Place, SwaleFiled Under Obituaries
Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon Engaged: A Perfect Couple!
May 1st, 2008 by Scott Marks
I am so used to scrolling past Mariah Carey’s name in the headlines, it’s a shock that I actually noticed the identity of her groom to be. I’ve been a Cannon-spotter for a few years and it was Nick’s name, not Mariah’s, that caught my eye.
Mariah Carey is an annoyance. Whatever it is that comes out of her mouth, it sure in hell can’t be called music. She is the textbook definition of a “butter face” with a body that frequently needs covering. The dumb diva dresses like a frustrated stripper, wearing next to nothing so long as it’s a size too small. A pampered tease in the same league with LaToya Jackson, the only thing Pariah did worth mentioning were those hilariously self-absorbed phone messages sent to her “lambs.’ Howard Stern fans will remember weeks of fun listening pleasure as the gang dissected and interpreted her ramblings.
Nick Cannon is another pampered imbecile surround by sycophants reinforcing and applauding his every moment’s genius. He started as one of Will Smith’s opening acts in a rap group called “Da Bomb Squad.” Sensing a new Alfonso Ribeiro in the making, I began making brief channel surfing stops on Nickelodeon’s The Nick Cannon Show. (I’ve been desperate for something to fill the void since Saved by the Bell went off the air.)
Having successfully managed to avoid Men In Black 2, I didn’t encounter Nick’s patented brand of cockiness without a cause until Drumline. This “We can change the world through music” bit of fluff found an audience and for a brief moment, it appeared that Nick was on to bigger things.
Miramax quickly took Nick under its wings giving him a part in the Gere/JLo version of Shall We Dance. So convinced of the young actor’s box office potential, the studio quickly began churning out it’s own brand of Cannon fodder. First came The Beltway with Nick playing a Capitol Hill intern who uncovers an illegal and dangerous plot overseen by the CIA. It was never released.
It was in Underclassmen that I began sensing Cannon’s dependability. Was he perhaps a worthy successor to (dare I say) Linda Blair? His minimal talent was next put to use on Nick Cannon Presents: Wild ‘N Out, an MTV laff-fest that featured Nick and a bunch of third-rate comedians ranking each other out on a weakly basis. The frivolity was so forced that even poor Sammy Davis, Jr. was spinning in his grave.
He did one of the voices in Monster House and had a small role (as did everybody) in Bobby. Before agreeing to be Mr. Mariah Carey his career appeared to have encountered another iceberg. Gone were the starring roles and scores of Untitled Nick Cannon Productions. He recently appeared in a direct-to-video remake of George Romero’s Day of the Dead. According to imdb, Cannon’s latest picture, Ball Don’t Lie, opened last Friday. My guess is it only played a week in New York and L.A. to qualify for next year’s Oscars.
Sounds as if Nick is in need of a career change and playing boytoy opposite Mariah Carey for a few months might be just the trick. The couple set tongues wagging last weekend when Mariah showed off a huge $1.25 million diamond ring on her engagement finger at the afterparty for her new drama Tennessee, her first film role since the disastrous 2001 movie Glitter. (Does Mariah play Tennessee or Chumley?)
Mariah, 38, met the 27-year-old when the jack of(f) all trades directed the video for her latest single, Bye Bye, in late March. What a talent! He can direct, too!
Separated at birth: Mariah and Sweet Polly Purebred
Up until now, Mariah has played coy about the relationship, claiming the only man in her life is her Jack Russell terrier, Jack. In addition to directing, looks like Nick is writing some of the Diva’s zingers. Here is another sample of Mariah’s musings:
“It’s hard to have kids in this world. I don’t think I could properly educate a child right now. Maybe in the future, but I actually haven’t thought about it. For now, I enjoy my dog Jack’s company. It’s definitely because of childhood traumatic stuff. The whole not wanting to have a baby as a baby.” Let’s see how long Nick can change diapers and put up with her incessant whining. Can’t wait to hear Stern analyze his messages to fans after Mariah dumps him.
And please, God: before they split, allow them to gift us with something similar to El Cantante!
Links:
Underclassman review
Roll Bounce review
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