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OPERATION MYSPACE set to waterboard our troops with Jessica Simpson & The Pussycat Dolls

February 29th, 2008 by Scott Marks

The Road to Kuwait

“We’re off on the road to Kuwait-ee, this Humvee is rough on the spine…”

The boys at MySpace, a division of News Corp.’s Fox Interactive Media, have come up with a concert aimed at entertaining America’s troops in Kuwait. And you thought Abu Ghraib was a torture chamber?

Dubbed Operation MySpace, the cavalcade will feature pop acts The Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson, rock bands Disturbed and Filter, electronic artist DJ Z-Trip, and comedian Carlos Mencia. Suddenly the Gold Diggers, Phyllis Diller, Joey Heatherton and Jerry Colonna sound good.

In a statement, MySpace co-founder Tom Anderson said “For years troops stationed all over the world have utilized MySpace as a lifeline to communicate with their loved ones back home. I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to thank them in person and bring along the entire MySpace community.”

Emulsion Compulsion is pleading with President Bush to put an end to the war before this heinous assault takes place. Haven’t our troops suffered enough without the help of Jessica Simpson and The Pussycat Dolls? “We’re so excited to be performing for the troops and supporting our Armed Forces overseas,” a statement from the over-glorified lap-dancers read. “They’d better get ready…the desert’s about to get a lot hotter!” Can you feel the vomit at the back of your throat begin to rise? No wonder “singer” Carmit Bachar quit the group!

For those not fortunate enough to know any Kuwaiti scalpers, the March 10 show will be live-streamed on the Web starting at 11 a.m. Pacific time, right here!

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THE DUKES OF HAZZARD / Jay Chandrasekhar (2005)

July 9th, 2005 by Scott Marks

Jay Chandrasekhar’s THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (2005)

The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar

Written by: John O’Brien, John O’Brien

Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Alice Greczyn, Steve Lemme, Michael Weston, Mitch Braswell, Michael Roof, Jessica Simpson, Rusty Tennant, Dolan Wilson, James Roday, Heather Hemmens, David Leitch, A.J. Foyt IV, M.C. Gainey

Aspect Ratio: 2.35 : 1

Running Time: 106 min.

Genres: Action, Adventure, Comedy

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆

During the compulsory closing credit blooper reel The Dukes of Hazard’s reason d’etre is finally given utterance. Joe Don Baker, veteran star of Southern-fried seventies classics Walking Tall and Framed, blames a blown take on Jessica Simpson’s “titties.”

What reason, other than the juvenile promise of Ms. Simpson’s pulchritude, can there be for watching this network slobber given a big screen makeover? Did drooling retardates across America start a letter scribbling campaign? A die hard Jackass fan, even I didn’t feel the need to see Johnny Knoxville stretch. Perhaps the “director” had embarrassing, blackmail-worthy Polaroids of Warner Bros. studio heads frolicking naked with Cub Scouts.

As updated by series creator/writer/rocket scientist Gy Waldron, not much has changed. Brothers Bo (Sean William Scott) and Luke Duke (Knoxville) run moonshine through the backroads of Kentucky in the General Lee, a DayGlo-orange ‘69 Dodge Charger complete with optional roof-sized confederate flag.

Continue reading THE DUKES OF HAZZARD / Jay Chandrasekhar (2005)

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Filed Under Reviews, Theatrical