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Paul Verhoeven writes book claiming Jesus conceived through rape

April 24th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Paul Verhoeven

As if writing the script for one of his upcoming movies, director Paul Verhoeven (Turkish Delight, Showgirls, Black Book) has come up with a new Bible story chock full of gore, brutality, sexual assault and degradation, all filmed in the grandeur of Panavision and Technicolor.

In his upcoming biography, Verhoeven suggests that Jesus might have been fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary.

An Amsterdam publishing house announced Wednesday that Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait will hit bookstores in September. The Associated Press reports, “Marianna Sterk of the publishing house J.M. Meulenhoff said the book includes several ideas that run contrary to Christian faith, including the suggestion that Jesus could be the son of a Roman soldier who raped Mary during a Jewish uprising against Roman rule in 4 B.C.”

Take that, Mel Gibson!

שלאָגן מײַן קאָפּ!!!

The book also gives Judas Iscariot a free ticket by claiming he was not responsible for Jesus’ betrayal.

Biblical scholars remain skeptical. John Dominic Crossan, a Jesus Seminar founder said, “It’s an obvious first retort to claims that Mary was a virgin. If you wanted to do a hatchet job on Jesus’ reputation, this would be the way.”

Verhoeven, 69, has long dreamed of joining the illustrious ranks of Marty, Cecil B. DeMille, Pier Paolo Pasolini, Robert Bresson, Luis Bunuel, George Stevens, Walt Disney and Woody Strode in bringing the life of Christ to the screen.

Let’s see…Robert Davi as Judas, Dakota Fanning as the Virgin Mary (she’ll be old enough by the time this goes into production), Lin Tucci as Mary Magdalene, Rutger Hauer as Pontius Pilate, Michael Ironside as Jerobeam, Joe Eszterhas as Zebedee, Michael Douglas as John the Baptist and Neil Patrick Harris as Jesus.

Paul Verhoeven photos: Showgirls

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Rabbi pressures Hasidic Jew to bow out of movie role as Natalie Portman’s husband

March 17th, 2008 by Scott Marks

NEW YORK — A Brooklyn kitchen cabinet salesman said he backed out of a movie part as Natalie Portman’s husband because of pressure from the Hasidic Jewish community.

UPI reports Abe Karpen and Portman were cast as a married couple in New York I Love You, an anthology film from the folks that brought you Paris, Je T’aime.

“I have my kids in religious schools and the rabbi called me over yesterday and said in order for me to keep my kids in the school I have to do what they tell me and back out,” Karpen said.

Where in the scriptures does it read, “Thou shalt not picketh up some money on the side”? Appearing in a movie is bound to be a decent pay day. How many cabinets would Karpen have to sell in order to compensate for his profit loss? Maybe it’s about time Rabbi Sin Hound remodeled his kitchen.

Abie, do yourself a favor and drop this rabbi faster than Obama dumped Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Organized religion is nothing more than a bunch of bubba meisas written by old white guys to scare people into adhering to an outrageous hocus-pocus-dominocus code of living. Here’s you chance to be a star!

Admittedly, Karpen was having problems separating church and set. He followed the tenets of the Hasidic movement during the filming, refusing, for example, to hold Portman’s hand.

Jan Korbelin, the movie’s executive producer, called Karpen “a great ambassador for his faith.”

“We are very sorry that this has created a problem for him personally and for the community,” Korbelin added.

Normally, I refuse to write a post unless I can track down an accompanying photo or video. Camera-shy Abe was nowhere to be found on the web. The only Jewish cabinet maker that I was able to find of a picture of was Jesus. Filling in for Abe Karpen is SCTV’s Crazy Hy.

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How the Jews Spend Christmas

December 25th, 2007 by Scott Marks

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When I was in my teens, Timmy Murphy asked, “You know what my uncle says Jews do on Christmas day?” I hadn’t heard this one, yet. “No, my ruddy-faced only goyish kid on an all-Jewish block,” I thought. “What does your hard-drinking Uncle Roy say the Jews do on Christmas day?” Timmy smiled, threw out his chest and snarled. “They stay home and count their money.” No, Timmy. We put dead trees in our living rooms, life-sized illuminated Sear’s Santas on our front lawns, drink boilermakers to commemorate the birth of our Lord and Savior and pay retail for the gifts.

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On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me…a Walt Disney menorah?!?!?

December 5th, 2007 by Scott Marks

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all my gentile friends. Enjoy this Festival of Lightweight gifts.

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A Disneyland Menorah
Listen carefully and you can hear the sound of Uncle Walt desperately clawing and scratching to get out of his cryogenic chamber.
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“Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of hunny,

We’ll put ‘em on store shelves and make us lots of munny.“
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Personally, I find the use of the terms “Hanukkah” and “Goofy” in the same sentence to be demeaning and intend to page the Rev. Al Sharpton immediately.
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From Dec. 5 - 11, Disneyland promises to revamp some of its most famous rides to accommodate their Jewish friends. Goniffs of the Caribbean, Roger Rabbi’s Car Toon Spin, Shpritz Mountain and Peter Pan’s Flight from Auschwitz, are just a few of the planned changes.
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“Vus machs du, Minnie, you ganser macher? Pluto and I always suspected that your big ears masked a pair of horns, and the way you’re winning my gelt proves it!”
Source: Traditions Jewish Gifts
Laughing Place

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THE ANGEL LEVINE / Jan Kadar (1970)

October 7th, 2007 by Scott Marks

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THE ANGEL LEVINE (1970)

Directed by Jan Kadar

Written by Bill Gunn & Ronald Ribman from a short story by Bernard Malamud

Starring: Zero Mostel, Harry Belafonte, Ida Kaminska, Milo O’Shea, Gloria Foster and cameos by Eli Wallach & Anne Jackson

Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1

Running Time: 106 min.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

A jive-ass, black, Jewish angel (Harry Belafonte) needs to perform a redemptive miracle before gaining access to heaven. His target is Morris Mishkin (Zero Mostel), a bitter, orthodox tailor caring for his bedridden wife Fanny (Ida Kaminska, star of Kadar’s legendary The Shop on Main Street in the Maria Ouspenskaya role).

The thought of Calypso Harry and Max Bialistock performing in a set-bound, racially motivated remake of It’s a Wonderful Life kept me far away from this when it first opened. Curiosity, coupled with a lack of visual stimulation for the weekend finally led me to a TCM airing.

It plays like a typical 1970s adaptation of a five character play, which is odd given the fact that this is based on a short story, not a Broadway production. Each time we leave the apartment feels like an attempt to “open up” the screenplay.

They never should have left the walk-up. With the exception of a scene on the roof towards the end, the exteriors seemed tacked on. A visit to the drugstore to pick up Fanny’s prescription proves incomprehensible. After Morris can’t afford the $7.00 tab, Levine enters, causes a stir and inexplicably walks out with the medication.

Nor do we ever learn just what Levine did to prevent him instant access to the Pearly Gates. While attempting to save the Mishkins, Levine also has a personal score to settle with ex-lover Sally (Gloria Foster). While their few scenes together are acted out with extraordinary sensitivity, they don’t really belong in a movie about redeeming the lives of a couple of old Jews.

Kadar’s camera fares much better capturing Art Director John Jay Moore’s amazing brownstone mock-up. A third act climactic encounter feels like a duel with the camera parrying and thrusting at the two principals.

Zero is nothing short of amazing, a rhinoceros capable of small, gentle gestures and facial movements that scream volumes. He’s never been quite this tamped down, if it is indeed possible to reign him in, and this could be the crowning jewel in Mr. Mostel’s all too short screen career.

Believe it or don’t, Edward G. Robinson was originally cast as Morris, but he fell ill and was replaced at the last minute by Mostel. It would have been a much different film, particularly with Edward G. chomping on a stogie and yelling, “Yeah, that’s right! Who’s your schvartze angel noooooww, see?”

In the end, Morris attempts to track down his Angel’s whereabouts. Leave it to Morris (and the screenwriters) to find New York’s one all-black synagogue where we find a Rabbi and a bunch of little Leroy Spielberg’s studying the Talmud.

The last image finds Morris chasing a single black feather that presumably flapped off Levine’s wings. It’s a perfect ending to a muddled, yet very moving sentimental drama.

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GUESS WHO’S JEWISH?

September 1st, 2007 by Scott Marks

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Hey, Kids! Be the life of the Bund Rally or KKK Mixer with this wacky paperback that turns religious stereotyping into a parlor game. Who knew that Mort Sahl, Sophie Tucker, Ed Koch, Goldie Hawn, David Steinberg and Woody Allen were all Jews? Watch the hours fly by! Can’t wait for the Guess Who’s Black? edition.

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