San Diego Does Cannes!

June 13th, 2008 by Scott Marks

by Earl Stiff

While most Americans can barely afford to go to the can, Uncle Burl and his pals docked the wave nuzzling, gas-guzzling Happy Days at the Cannes Film Festival. Forget about Edy Williams topless in a fountain; this year’s celebratory vat of escapist merchandising culminated in one of my Uncle’s penultimate achievements.

With many a top writer recently thrown overboard or forced to walk the plank, The Union-Tribune commissioned mon oncle to sail with him to this year’s festival and show the world just how easy it is to cover the film scene. The paper was right, of course. Seldom has journalism been this simple.

Wait until you read this column. It fills my heart. It fills my world. Look at the suave figure Mr. Copley cuts standing next to that lovely rum heiress. Also in attendance, Christian Slacker, all taut and ready to tackle the role of “Dad” in anything the Disney Channel throws his way, with his silver-cupped companion and Cannes cutie Tamara “Big” Melons. What can you say about handsome Charles Brandy except that he is the new Villalonga, but who is that tasty Tanya glued to his billfold?

And doesn’t nice Dominic Dunne look happy, knowing he has finally made it to the social summit, his reward after all those dreary days at the O.J. and Bobby Blake trials. I understand that he likes to hand-feed his poodles tapioca while wearing a pair of ill-fitting Bruno Magli’s.

I don’t know about that tootsie Mary Bilge. I think she is part of the bilge crew from the boat. That Madonna is a vixen from hell (she spoiled my nice feelings about Evita Peron) and better keep her man-grabbing paws off Andrew Shelton!

As for the text, what can anyone say except it makes Capote eat dust and is even better than Sidney Sheldon. One gripe - Uncle Burl should have been above those smarmy media-hog kid photos as they detract a little from his luster.

The closing words about the meals, with that cute little insider joke about Joan Collins being thick around the center, is simply priceless. And sharing the page with that pet adoption ad was just the right touch, a real zinger!

Still, there are some out there, jealous of Uncle Burl’s eminence, eager to throw him under a Bentley. City Beat’s Loathsome toady Kelly Davis wrote terrible things, so did the Reader’s guttersnipe Don Bauder. Other human refuse leaving comments on Bauder’s scabrous blog were JustWondering, HellcatCopley, Portofinoan, and Johnny Vegas, all showing their ignorance.

Uncle Burl’s fingers bled after completing of this column. It’s been too long since the Maestro was afforded this much space and it’s safe to say never has one man done so much with so little.