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Breath Easy, Fellas: Kaye Ballard Gave Up Sex 40 Years Ago!

August 26th, 2007 by Scott Marks

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In a shocking tabloid interview, comediane, singer and star of The Mothers-In-Law, The Love Boat, Baby Geniuses and countless other largely forgettable projects admitted to giving up on sex “35, 40 years ago.”

The bovine loudmouth, out stumping her autobiography, confessed, “It just wasn’t worth the aggravation.”

Damn! Just when I thought I had a shot at her!

Funny Lady Kaye also called Barbra Streisand a “bitch” for not interrupting her dinner to sign autographs for leering fans. After witnessing the incident Kaye noted, “I can’t understand how you can be rude to the people who put you there.” I guess the fans must not have noticed that Kaye Ballard was dining in the same restaurant. Anyone with an ounce of brains would have instantly leapfrogged over a has-been like Streisand to get a napkin signed by the star of Which Way to the Front?

Not only didn’t Ms. Ballard recieve any major awards, she was never once nominated. “(I regret) not having created a Broadway show that was mine,” the 80-year-old Ballard admits, “like Carol Channing’s Hello Dolly…I would have been a bigger star if I had.”

Hey, if the Queen had balls she’d have been the King.

BTW, I think there’s a typo. She meant to say that she gave up “vaginal sex.”

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