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Kenneth Keith Kallenbach: Can you give a brother a lift to his funeral?

April 29th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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KKK and Frankenstoner, Stevie Hayes

Emulsion Compulsion received an email from Stevie Hayes, guitarist for the Kenneth Keith Kallenbach Band. Stevie is very distraught over the loss of his friend and very much wants to expose what he sees as the “great mystery surrounding his death.”

In a lengthy statement issued on MySpace, Stevie, who claims to have E.S.P., in addition to “insanely strange dreams and nightmares,” reveals that he foresaw the performance artists’ death.

Stevie looked up to KKK as an uncle and remembers him as someone who:

“LOVED TO LAUGH, LOVED TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH, LOVED STAND UP COMEDY, LOVED PHONEY PHONE CALLS, HOWARD STERNS, THE WHACK PACK, LOVED LIFE, LOVED BEER, LOVED WOMEN, LOVED ROCK & ROLL, LOVED PRODUCING MOVIES, SKETCH COMEDY WRITING, LOVED PRODUCING VIDEOS, DVDS, LOVED RECORDING MUSIC, (BASS, DRUMS, GUITAR, VOCALS), A MAN THAT WAS AN ORIGINAL, WAS REALLY WHAT HE SAID HE WAS, “‘AN AMERICAN ICON.’”

satans-scrotum.jpg

Stevie, whose motto is “George Lincoln Rockwell Likes Victoria’s Secret,” is now the lead singer and guitarist for the band Satan’s Scrotum. I was hoping that one of my readers could help a friend out with a lift to Kenneth Keith Kalenbach’s funeral.

In a letter to Emulsion Compulsion, Stevie writes:

“Hi, how are you doing? Since time is running out, I’ll keep this email very short. I’ve been having family problems lately and you can read my statement here on KKK. I’ll write much more in the future in another email to you in the future. the entire story. But the last few years, I have been becoming great friends with Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, he was one of the GREATEST humans I’ve ever met on this earth! His death has ripped me up deeply!

the bottom line of this particular email, is I’m from Chicago also, and I’m out of options for transportation at this point, to get to KKK’s funeral in PA on tuesday morning by 10 am. I would like to go, so you’re my last potential possible hope. If you happen to be driving out there, and need some gas money, etc. we could make a party out of it, let me know. I know other people on the east coast, and I could arrange to meet some of KKK’s close personal friends I’ve been talking to recently also

If this wasn’t in the cards, then it’s not meant to be, and I understand if you simply can’t make it, like I basically can’t either, or if you already have other arrangements, or plane tickets etc. but I came across your story on your site right now, and I decided to shoot you over a quick email. I’ve never heard of you in my life until right now, but anyone that liked Kenneth as much as me is a friend of mine. If you’re driving there, and have room for 1 more, hit me up, and i’ll chip in the money for gas or whatever needs to be done. “

Sadly, I no longer live in Chicago, Stevie (San Diego claims me) and as of this morning had no plans of attending the funeral. As much as I relish the thought of traveling cross- country with Frankenstoner, it’s not in the cards. Besides, I’m no fun on road trips. I listen to Mindy McCready, Mariah Carey and Clay Aiken. And thanks for the offer to chip in to pay for gas.

BTW, will Kenneth be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Stevie left me his phone number, so if any of you want to carpool to the funeral, contact me at emulsioncompulsion@gmail.com and I’ll hook you up.

Good luck, Stevie. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Links:
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach

Kenneth Keith Kallenbach photos

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Filed Under News

Dig A Hole: Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, member of Howard Stern Wack Pack

April 24th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Meeting of the minds: Kenneth Keith and this reporter

Something was fishy. I awoke to find Kenneth Keith Kallenbach in the #3 spot on Google Trends. Not with his material.

Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, actor, musician, performance artist, letter carrier and imbecile extraordinaire died from pneumonia while doing time in a Philadelphia jail. Kallenbach was recently arrested and being held on charges that the allegedly tried to abduct an underage girl.

Yeah!

KKK burst on the scene as a guest on the old WOR Howard Stern Summer Show in the early 90s. He first got Howard’s attention by sending in a video of his antics which included shots of the video artist moving his bowels in the woods.

I’m no wacko!

Kallenbach was a guest on the very first WOR show. “I blow smoke through my eyes,” he said in his loopy Philly drawl. Not a puff emerged. He returned the following week and while giving his smoke trick another whirl, vomited in the process. His appearance was embraced by millions of Stern junkies and he eventually emerged as a member in loyal standing of the fabled Wack Pack.

He became a semi-regular on the show by doing everything from sticking a lit firecracker in his zipper to shearing his head and devouring the hair (the latter accomplished while his proud father looked on). And who among us will ever forget his mesmerizing performance as Aluminum Man, a super hero that possessed the powers to cook a ten-pound migturkey with one blast from his mighty sphincter?

He continued on the radio long after WOR screwed Howard over becoming one of the show’s most welcome and outrageous participants. Kenneth possessed a look as though he perpetually walked through life after being stung by a hammer.

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Kenneth Keith and Elephant Boy, somewhere on the outskirts of Jersey

In 1997 I “won” a radio contest to travel from Chicago to New York as part of a nationwide pilgrimage to the Madison Square Garden premier of Private Parts. Participants were asked to record a brief message as to why they thought they deserved the honor. Genius that I am, I aced the contest by making a crack about Robin’s breasts and confessed to “loving the smell of my own farts.” While the contest wasn’t fixed, one the the station’s employees that had a hand in the decision making process was a former student who figured it would be fun having me along for the ride.

I was teaching college at the time and one of my “superiors” pulled me aside in the hall and called me on my enormous lapse in judgment. “You want to be full-time faculty and you go on the radio saying those things,” she asked. How did she know what I said on The Howard Stern Show…unless she too was an unfit member of society mainlining on Howard’s brazenness each morning on the drive to work. When I called her on it she claimed to have “heard it through the grapevine.” (Oh, how I wish that my parter on the site would allow me to use the “C” word!)

In addition to premiere tickets, the lucky winners would also have a chance to spend some quality time with Wack Pack members. Sadly, this was a few years before Beetlejuice made the scene or he would surely have hogged most of the spotlight. As is, KKK was already feeling his power diminish under the weight of new arrivals George “Crackhead Bob” Harvey and everyone favorite diminutive lush, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf.

We first met Kenneth along with Captain Janks at a sports bar in Philly. Even though the mid-afternoon sun was still burning bright, Kenneth was already three sheets to the wind. He scribbled his name in my copy of Private Parts and answered every question with his trademarked, “Yeah!”

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Crackhead Astaire and his sister at the premiere

The morning of the show found us all situated in a parking lot staging area somewhere in Jersey. Van and buses from all across the country met in preparation of a victory parade through the streets of Manhattan. A short bus pulled up and out popped Kenneth, Crackhead Bob, Captain Janks, Fred the Elephant Boy and some bim from Scores.

While Kenneth didn’t arrive drunk, he sure in hell wasn’t sober. Had he opened his eyes wide enough he would surely have bled to death. Kenneth signed autographs and took pictures all the while not appearing to know exactly where he was. The only thing he ever said to me aside from “Yeah” was, “can I bum a smoke?” Take the pack, my liege!

I met several members of the Stern show and got all but one, Hank, to sign my copy of Private Parts. At the screening, a wasted Hank stumbled through the lobby of the theater. As I approached him with pen in hand he looked up and said, “ten bucks.” While trying to cajole him into signing for free he shot back, “F–k off!” and stormed away. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Here is a scan of all the signatures. Sorry, but it’s been years since the event and some of these signatures don’t ring a bell.

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  1. Quentin the Stutterer
  2. Not sure
  3. Not sure
  4. Mason Reese
  5. Not sure
  6. Bloated attorney Dominic Barbara
  7. Captain Janks
  8. Stuttering John
  9. King of All Messengers
  10. George “Crackhead Bob” Harvey
  11. Ben Stern
  12. Not sure
  13. Not sure
  14. Not sure
  15. “Evil Dave” (Signed in Chicago, 1999)
  16. Fred the Elephant Boy
  17. Joey Buttafuoco
  18. Mary Jo Buttafuoco
  19. Michelle Bass, the World’s Largest Female Body Builder

It’s remains one of the most memorable screenings of my life. 3,000-plus worshipers genuflecting before the altar of Stern. This was the religious experience of eternity, much more spiritually enlightening than seeing the Pope in a ballpark.

Howard addressed the crowd and introduced each member of the inner-circle. Not surprisingly, during the screening the congregation sat in rapt adoration, save for an occasional catcall. I must confess to one of the few instances in my life where I yelled back at the screen. When Alison tells Howard of her miscarriage, I let loose with an enormous Jackie Martling laff which infectiously spread through the crowd. Howard even made mention of it on the air saying something like, “And how do you like someone laughing during the miscarriage scene, Robin?”

After reading several KKK obits, I still can’t confirm his actual age. My guess is late 30s, early 40s. Whether they were intentional or not, the guy brought a lot of laughter into my life and it stinks when someone dies in such a miserable way and especially as such a young age.

Let’s all raise our voices in a chorus of I Got Beers in memory of our fallen comrade.

Below are links to photos taken the week of the Private Parts premiere as well as a few collectibles from my private stock. There is also a video of KKK on the WOR show as well as the WCKG-Radio commercial announcing my name as the lucky winner.

Links:
Exclusive Photos from the 1997 Howard Stern PRIVATE PARTS Caravan
Howard Stern photos
Stuttering John postcards

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Filed Under Obituaries