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The Farrelly Bros. will direct “new” Three Stooges comedy

November 3rd, 2008 by Scott Marks

VISIT THIS SITE, I’M WARNING YOU!!!

It’s even more unthinkable than colorizing Kane. Would anyone dare suggest making a new Marx Bros. or John Wayne movie? You can’t! Perhaps one day technology will get to the point where actors can be digitally recreated, but we’re not there yet.

A Three Stooges biopic would be bad enough, but even that’s been done. Remember the Mel Gibson produced made-for-TV biography of the boys? (I guess if Jews are funny and violent enough, Mel will give them a pass.) Even with a talented director like James Frawley at the helm, it’s impossible to dramatize morons. When they signed with Columbia in the early 30s, the Stooges were taking home $20,000 a week. When their contract ended in 1959, their salary remained the same. Why didn’t Moe poke Harry Cohen in the eyes and demand more dough? BECAUSE THEY’RE STOOGES!

It may not be fashionable to admit, but I love The Three Stooges as much as Scorsese, Keaton and Ozu. Maybe not for the same reasons, but with equal fervor. You should have seen my fat ass hurry home every day after school to study the Boys on WGN-TV’s Andy Star’s Old Odeon Theatre.  Never more have I regretted being an only child then when Andy reminded his infantile audience that the Stooges were actors and kids at home should not try any of their shenanigans on their little brothers an sisters.

Someone should lock the Farrelly Bros. in a room with a bunch of Stooged-up toddlers and a table saw. According to Market Saw, the Farrelly Bros. and screenwriter Michael Cerrone are planning a big screen, 3D Stooge feature. I can almost hear Moe reaching from his grave to pull a bunch of weeds off of Larry’s.

The Boston Globe reports both Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais are being eyed for the leads. Cohen is 6′ 3″ while the average Stooge stood about 4′ 2″. How about Michale Chiklis as Joe Besser, Armin Mueller-Stahl as Emil Sitka, Kathleen Turner as “Tiny,” Al Pacino as Shemp (he has the right height and filthy hair), Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Dudley Dickerson and wouldn’t Merlin Olsen make a sweet “Bustoff?”

Shemp and Moe Farrelly spent the past five years trying to unsuccessfully sell Warner Bros. on the idea. They instead convinced the knuckleheads at MGM to make the picture.

The studio has announced a Nov. 20, 2009 release date on the film. Is that before or after the Farrelly’s hotly anticipated Walter the Farting Dog will be released?

General Larry Fine

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Oscar tickets sold on Craigslist angers Academy

July 25th, 2008 by Scott Marks

Sid Ganis must be working overtime, because the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has learned the identity of the person who sold a couple of Oscar tickets on Craigslist for $5,000.

Yesterday, Superior Court Judge William Fahey ordered Craigslist to release the name of the individual who listed the ad in February. “Daniel” was the only name given to identify the poster of the ad.

The Academy does not like it when mortals disobey their sacrosanct pronouncements, but they’ll never tell you what really fuels the rage. Instead, they capitalize on a heritage of national paranoia by playing the security card. An official Academy shyster said, “ “If you don’t know who’s inside the theater, it’s very difficult to provide security.” Wouldn’t it have been funny if the tickets were purchased by people that posed a significant threat to America’s safety like Charles Manson and Chemical Ali? Instead, they were probably scalped to a couple of fanboys who’d swoon in the presence of Catwoman Halle Berry or anyone involved in the Harry Potter pictures. The only threat these geeks pose is accidentally ruining a photo-op by stumbling between the publicity hungry stars and the lenses of the paparazzi.

Gaining admittance to the auricular Masons is simpler than getting a library card compared to connecting with the prophylactic A.M.P.A.S. It’s easier to quit Scientology than it is join the Academy. Unless you’re Mel Gibson, Oscar doesn’t want any riffraff invading their sanctified shindig.

Right after this year’s ceremonies, the Academy sued several people and companies for selling or brokering Oscar tickets. In court documents, the Academy explicitly cautions invitees that they cannot sell or give their tickets away.

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