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Kenneth Keith Kallenbach: Can you give a brother a lift to his funeral?

April 29th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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KKK and Frankenstoner, Stevie Hayes

Emulsion Compulsion received an email from Stevie Hayes, guitarist for the Kenneth Keith Kallenbach Band. Stevie is very distraught over the loss of his friend and very much wants to expose what he sees as the “great mystery surrounding his death.”

In a lengthy statement issued on MySpace, Stevie, who claims to have E.S.P., in addition to “insanely strange dreams and nightmares,” reveals that he foresaw the performance artists’ death.

Stevie looked up to KKK as an uncle and remembers him as someone who:

“LOVED TO LAUGH, LOVED TO MAKE OTHERS LAUGH, LOVED STAND UP COMEDY, LOVED PHONEY PHONE CALLS, HOWARD STERNS, THE WHACK PACK, LOVED LIFE, LOVED BEER, LOVED WOMEN, LOVED ROCK & ROLL, LOVED PRODUCING MOVIES, SKETCH COMEDY WRITING, LOVED PRODUCING VIDEOS, DVDS, LOVED RECORDING MUSIC, (BASS, DRUMS, GUITAR, VOCALS), A MAN THAT WAS AN ORIGINAL, WAS REALLY WHAT HE SAID HE WAS, “‘AN AMERICAN ICON.’”

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Stevie, whose motto is “George Lincoln Rockwell Likes Victoria’s Secret,” is now the lead singer and guitarist for the band Satan’s Scrotum. I was hoping that one of my readers could help a friend out with a lift to Kenneth Keith Kalenbach’s funeral.

In a letter to Emulsion Compulsion, Stevie writes:

“Hi, how are you doing? Since time is running out, I’ll keep this email very short. I’ve been having family problems lately and you can read my statement here on KKK. I’ll write much more in the future in another email to you in the future. the entire story. But the last few years, I have been becoming great friends with Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, he was one of the GREATEST humans I’ve ever met on this earth! His death has ripped me up deeply!

the bottom line of this particular email, is I’m from Chicago also, and I’m out of options for transportation at this point, to get to KKK’s funeral in PA on tuesday morning by 10 am. I would like to go, so you’re my last potential possible hope. If you happen to be driving out there, and need some gas money, etc. we could make a party out of it, let me know. I know other people on the east coast, and I could arrange to meet some of KKK’s close personal friends I’ve been talking to recently also

If this wasn’t in the cards, then it’s not meant to be, and I understand if you simply can’t make it, like I basically can’t either, or if you already have other arrangements, or plane tickets etc. but I came across your story on your site right now, and I decided to shoot you over a quick email. I’ve never heard of you in my life until right now, but anyone that liked Kenneth as much as me is a friend of mine. If you’re driving there, and have room for 1 more, hit me up, and i’ll chip in the money for gas or whatever needs to be done. “

Sadly, I no longer live in Chicago, Stevie (San Diego claims me) and as of this morning had no plans of attending the funeral. As much as I relish the thought of traveling cross- country with Frankenstoner, it’s not in the cards. Besides, I’m no fun on road trips. I listen to Mindy McCready, Mariah Carey and Clay Aiken. And thanks for the offer to chip in to pay for gas.

BTW, will Kenneth be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Stevie left me his phone number, so if any of you want to carpool to the funeral, contact me at emulsioncompulsion@gmail.com and I’ll hook you up.

Good luck, Stevie. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Links:
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach

Kenneth Keith Kallenbach photos

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Martin Scorsese wants to be your friend on MySpace!

March 30th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Martin Scorsese is a 65-year old male who grew up on the Lower East Side of New York City. His interests are reading, music, solitude, movies and throwing telephones.

Look at Mr. Armani suit trying to connect with the kids! Scorsese’s sudden desire to be a part of the MySpace community is a marketing ploy to alert hipsters to his upcoming Rolling Stones documentary Shine a Light. In addition to listing Marty’s general interests, the site offers an exclusive clip from the film personally introduced by The Master.

Here is what some of the human garbage on MySpace has to say about their new friend and His video:

“couldnt even watch it all it was so boring” - Stanton (That wouldn’t by some chance be Arch Stanton?)

“(The clip) sucked until the end… Dry Humor… At least the stones are alive!” - ~{UN$TOPP@BLE}~

“Scorsese, can you introduce me to Leo?” - Lindsay-Erin

“video was dumb…….check out my video!!!!!!!!!!” - ☆JACOB☆

The film premiers Friday and you better be there on opening day.

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Casper the Friendly Director


Related Links:
My Scorsese Space
Martin Scorsese photos
Shine a light trailer
Shine a Light presskit
Shine a Light theatrical specs

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OPERATION MYSPACE set to waterboard our troops with Jessica Simpson & The Pussycat Dolls

February 29th, 2008 by Scott Marks

The Road to Kuwait

“We’re off on the road to Kuwait-ee, this Humvee is rough on the spine…”

The boys at MySpace, a division of News Corp.’s Fox Interactive Media, have come up with a concert aimed at entertaining America’s troops in Kuwait. And you thought Abu Ghraib was a torture chamber?

Dubbed Operation MySpace, the cavalcade will feature pop acts The Pussycat Dolls and Jessica Simpson, rock bands Disturbed and Filter, electronic artist DJ Z-Trip, and comedian Carlos Mencia. Suddenly the Gold Diggers, Phyllis Diller, Joey Heatherton and Jerry Colonna sound good.

In a statement, MySpace co-founder Tom Anderson said “For years troops stationed all over the world have utilized MySpace as a lifeline to communicate with their loved ones back home. I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to thank them in person and bring along the entire MySpace community.”

Emulsion Compulsion is pleading with President Bush to put an end to the war before this heinous assault takes place. Haven’t our troops suffered enough without the help of Jessica Simpson and The Pussycat Dolls? “We’re so excited to be performing for the troops and supporting our Armed Forces overseas,” a statement from the over-glorified lap-dancers read. “They’d better get ready…the desert’s about to get a lot hotter!” Can you feel the vomit at the back of your throat begin to rise? No wonder “singer” Carmit Bachar quit the group!

For those not fortunate enough to know any Kuwaiti scalpers, the March 10 show will be live-streamed on the Web starting at 11 a.m. Pacific time, right here!

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