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San Diego Does Cannes!

June 13th, 2008 by Scott Marks


by Earl Stiff

While most Americans can barely afford to go to the can, Uncle Burl and his pals docked the wave nuzzling, gas-guzzling Happy Days at the Cannes Film Festival. Forget about Edy Williams topless in a fountain; this year’s celebratory vat of escapist merchandising culminated in one of my Uncle’s penultimate achievements.

With many a top writer recently thrown overboard or forced to walk the plank, The Union-Tribune commissioned mon oncle to sail with him to this year’s festival and show the world just how easy it is to cover the film scene. The paper was right, of course. Seldom has journalism been this simple.

Wait until you read this column. It fills my heart. It fills my world. Look at the suave figure Mr. Copley cuts standing next to that lovely rum heiress. Also in attendance, Christian Slacker, all taut and ready to tackle the role of “Dad” in anything the Disney Channel throws his way, with his silver-cupped companion and Cannes cutie Tamara “Big” Melons. What can you say about handsome Charles Brandy except that he is the new Villalonga, but who is that tasty Tanya glued to his billfold?

And doesn’t nice Dominic Dunne look happy, knowing he has finally made it to the social summit, his reward after all those dreary days at the O.J. and Bobby Blake trials. I understand that he likes to hand-feed his poodles tapioca while wearing a pair of ill-fitting Bruno Magli’s.

I don’t know about that tootsie Mary Bilge. I think she is part of the bilge crew from the boat. That Madonna is a vixen from hell (she spoiled my nice feelings about Evita Peron) and better keep her man-grabbing paws off Andrew Shelton!

As for the text, what can anyone say except it makes Capote eat dust and is even better than Sidney Sheldon. One gripe - Uncle Burl should have been above those smarmy media-hog kid photos as they detract a little from his luster.

The closing words about the meals, with that cute little insider joke about Joan Collins being thick around the center, is simply priceless. And sharing the page with that pet adoption ad was just the right touch, a real zinger!

Still, there are some out there, jealous of Uncle Burl’s eminence, eager to throw him under a Bentley. City Beat’s Loathsome toady Kelly Davis wrote terrible things, so did the Reader’s guttersnipe Don Bauder. Other human refuse leaving comments on Bauder’s scabrous blog were JustWondering, HellcatCopley, Portofinoan, and Johnny Vegas, all showing their ignorance.

Uncle Burl’s fingers bled after completing of this column. It’s been too long since the Maestro was afforded this much space and it’s safe to say never has one man done so much with so little.

Copyright 2008 The Shelter Island Lutheran Picayune

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Roger Ebert to reoccupy film critic’s seat at Chicago Sun-Times

April 1st, 2008 by Scott Marks

roger-ebert.jpg

Roger Ebert used the occasion of his 41st anniversary as film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times to write an open letter to his readers announcing his return to the paper early next month.

In January of 2002, Ebert was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. One month later surgeons successfully removed the cancer, but in 2003 he once again went under the knife when cancer was found in his salivary gland.

Roger was a guest at the 2005 San Diego County Fair and over dinner spoke of a misdiagnosed infection he endured as a child that he blamed as the source of his current health problems.

Roger has been absent from the movie beat since June of 2006 when he underwent further surgery to remove a section of his jaw bone. While recuperating, Roger continued to contribute occasional reviews to the paper and today announced that he will return as full-time critic shortly after his 10th annual Ebertfest at the University of Illinois. The celebration of overlooked films runs from April 23 to the 27th.

Roger will not return to his syndicated review show Ebert and Roeper At the Movies any time soon. He writes, “I am sorry to say that my ability to speak was not restored. That would require another surgery. But I still have all my other abilities, including the love of viewing movies and writing about them. And at my side I have my angelic wife, Chaz.”

Welcome back, Roger. Can’t wait to start shaking my fist at some of your reviews again!

Roger Ebert photos

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