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Oscar 80 Post Game Recap

February 25th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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In spite of Robert Boyle’s speech, the 2008 Academy Awards came in ten minutes shy of it’s anticipated 210 minute running time. With the exception of Julie Christie’s surprising loss to Marion Cotillard, it was pretty much Oscar by numbers. Let’s take a moment to dismember this year’s low and high points.

  • Jon Stewart hosts a politically slanted cable comedy show and has no business presiding over the Oscars. Next year I want Mickey Rooney to host.
  • Wesley Snipes and Spike Lee looked like they were dressed for a day at the track.
  • The Dennis Hopper old age cracks served as a warm up for Robert Boyle.
  • It was great to see Charles Napier in a Diet Coke commercial.
  • This year’s clip reels were particularly dull. Put Chuck Workman out to stud.
  • Two best acceptance speeches of the night: Ratatouille’s Brad Bird reminiscing about a belligerent Junior High guidance counselor who gave him the perfect training to work in the film business and Tilda Swinton goofing on rubber-nippled George Clooney on the set of Michael Clayton.
  • Katherine Heigl looked stunning, but have you ever seen a more nervous presenter? I think that Colin Farrell slipped on a puddle she left.
  • It was an especially bad hair year for Oscar nominees and presenters. Amy Adams, Katherine Heigl and Kennedy clone Patrick Dempsey came off best. Tilda Swinton looked like she just stepped out of the shower while Cate Blanchett, Keri Russell, Ellen Page, Tom Hanks, Renee Zellwegger, John Travolta’s yarmulke cut and the gang stationed at the Al Faw Palace on Camp Victory in Baghdad all needed more time in the chair.
  • Norbit was robbed.
  • Three, count ‘em, three Bob Hope references.
  • What dosage of Paxil is Amy Adams on? God damn if that Happy Work Song wasn’t happy.
  • Jon Stewart gets the Ed Norton award for laughing at his own jokes.
  • Patrick Dempsey, Miley Cyrus and The Rock shouldn’t be allowed to watch the Academy Awards on TV let alone stand on the stage.
  • Is it my imagination or did the ceiling of the Kodak Theater look like an upside-down pinball machine?
  • From this day forward, it shall forever be referred to as “The Academy Award winning The Golden Compass.”
  • Worst cue card reader of the night: Jennifer Hudson. Miley Cyrus had a more naturalistic delivery.
  • Does Owen Wilson blow his nose with a pliers?
  • Even though Bee Movie wasn’t nominated, wasn’t Jerry Seinfeld a sport for prerecording that side-splitting bit?
  • Winners of Best Animated Short should not be allowed to bring their toys on stage when they accepting their awards. The guy looked like a retarded adult.
  • Was Alan Arkin speaking as the drug addled grandpappy in Little Miss Sunshine when he said, “The Golden Age of Cinema is very much alive?”
  • By Jon Stewart’s standards, 71-year-old Jack Nicholson is still the most fertile man in Hollywood.
  • Judging by their inarticulate best adapted screenplay acceptance speeches, it’s no wonder Joel and Ethan Coen’s No Country for Old Men is a word-for-word transformation of Cormack McCarthy’s novel.
  • Academy president Sid Gannis is a real house of fire, isn’t he? His “how to” video on Academy voting makes Night and Fog look like a masterpiece.
  • Stewart’s “the baby goes to” bit tanked,
  • Biggest intentional laugh: Jonah Hill coming back after presenting an award and saying, “Good evening, I’m Miss Halle Berry.” He didn’t fool me, though. Hill didn’t hit anyone on the drive over.
  • Christopher Rouse, best editing winner for The Bourne Ultimatum, is the son of Russell Rouse, the auteur behind THE OSCAR! Now do you understand?
  • From this day forward, it shall forever be referred to as “The three time Academy Award winning The Bourne Ultimatum. “
  • Nicole Kidman appears to be consulting The Joker’s plastic surgeon.
  • For awhile it looked as though he wouldn’t make it, but 98-year-old Robert Boyle delivered the speech of the night.
  • Keep those Sid Ganis cutaways coming!!!
  • Classiest moment of the night: Jon Stewart bringing Marketa Irglova back to finish her best original song acceptance speech.
  • Biggest unintentional laugh of the night: Clips of crybaby Spielberg winning his Schindler’s Oscar.
  • Just because Tom Hanks was in Saving Private Ryan shouldn’t automatically make him the liberal spokesman for America’s military.
  • Note to Diablo Cody — Wilma Flintstone wants her dress back. (Credit John Schultz!)
  • Jon Stewart introduced Him as simply, “The great Martin Scorsese.”
  • For those who have seen Swimming With Sharks, the Kevin Spacey character is allegedly based on Scott Rudin. This guy is supposed to be one of Tinsel Town’s most ruthless, egomaniacal a–holes which makes his saccharine reference to his life partner as “honey” a hundred times funnier.
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Oscar advertisers fear downbeat films will bring low ratings

February 21st, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Now that those pesky writers have been satisfied, it’s time for television to get back to doing what they do best: coddling their advertisers.

This year’s crop of downbeat and obscure best picture nominees have advertisers wringing their hands. Instead of tuning in for quality, they are hoping viewers, fatigued after months of reruns, will award the Academy with high ratings.

According to the New York Post, of the five nominated films, Atonement, No Country for Old Men, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood and Juno, only one took in over $100 million at the box office.

Atonement is an exquisite, handsomely directed melodrama that is as demanding as it is devastatingly depressing. No Country is filled with graphic violence and enough clever plotting to keep general audiences away. There Will Be Blood is dank, character-driven and far too long to gain wide acceptance. Even fans of George Clooney are staying away from his earnest, duty-bound Michael Clayton.

The overwritten sitcom Juno glamorizes teen pregnancy and for my money is the darkest and most contemptible film of the bunch. It’s also the only one to ascended the box office ladder and reach the sacred $100 million mark. So much for my being in sync with the American public.

If the ratings tank it won’t be because the competition placed any roadblocks in the Academy’s path to success. Opposite the Oscarcast are reruns of Cold Case, Law and Order: Criminal Intent and The Simpsons.

The telecast, second only to the Super Bowl as TV’s biggest annual event, has been slipping in the ratings for years. Last year, 40 million people tuned in, up marginally from 39 million the previous year. Blame it on the glut of useless awards shows and and the hundreds of satellite channels vying for viewers’ attention.

Advertisers pay an average of $1.8 million for a 30-second spot.

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Roll in the red carpet: MoPA’s Oscar party cancelled!

February 21st, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Lest we forget, these two jadrools won Oscars and Hitchcock and Cary Grant didn’t!

Those of you wanting to witness my public rage when the former pole dancer picks up her best screenwriting statuette will have to rely on their imaginations. The Museum of Photographic Arts has called off its Academy Awards gala due to lack of interest.

What is it with San Diego’s film community? Worse yet, what’s with all the woosies scared to enter Balboa Park after sundown? Every decade someone is hurled over the Laurel Street bridge and locals fear that they’ll be next. We should be so lucky! Patrons can figure out how to make it to the Globe or Prado Restaurant, but when it comes to movies people look at the Park after dark as a leper colony.

Okay, maybe a buck-and-a-half a head was a bit stiff, but MoPA is a more than worthy cause. For you less charitable types there was free booze and a dinner whipped up by deliciously dependable Waters Catering. On top of that, Beth Accomando and I, two die hard Oscar-haters would be doing the color commentary. Even if you lose you win!

Just when I wrapped my mind around watching the Oscars outside my safety zone. Looks like another year sitting in my underpants, cleaning my gun and snacking on bread dipped in peach brandy.

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Vanity Fair Oscar party canceled due to Writers Guild strike

February 6th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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What would the Academy Awards be without the glitzy post game parties? A three-and-a-half hour snooze fest without the added incentive of a couple cocktails after the show.

Last night Vanity Fair decided to call off its annual Oscar gala. VF Daily issued the following press announcement:

“After much consideration, and in support of the writers and everyone else affected by this strike, we have decided that this is not the appropriate year to hold our annual Oscar party. We want to congratulate all of this year’s nominees and we look forward to hosting our 15th Oscar party next year. Inasmuch as Vanity Fair is a collection of writers, photographers and artists, we do feel ourselves in aligned solidarity with the writers, directors and actors in the film business.”

Remind me to renew my subscription to this fine, loyal, right-thinking publication.

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Instead of supporting striking writers, Oscars plan alternate party

January 30th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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With Hollywood’s biggest night less than a month away, the Academy shows no sign of getting behind its striking brethren.

Academy president Sid Ganis told The Associated Press on Wednesday that a Plan B show is in the works that would include “history, film clips and out-of-the-ordinary concepts.”

Does this mean that the show will be twice as boring as usual? If Hollywood has any “out-of-the-ordinary concepts,” why not incorporate them into their product instead of wasting the brilliance on another ponderous, self-congratulating gas fest?

CNN.com quotes Mr Ganis as saying, “”We have an obligation to the art form to present the Oscars, so we have to deal with the possibility of not being able to do the show because of pickets or agreements not being concluded.”

Since when is “art form” a buzzword for upset advertisers and celebrity egos? Does anyone aside from the studios really care whether the Oscars are handed out in February? Why not postpone the show until the strike is settled?

Academy shill Leslie Unger said, “We have made contact with the guild. We want to be able to do the kind of Oscar show that we always do, (Yikes!) and we want to create the circumstances that will allow us to do that.”

The good news is that normally presenters are announced almost immediately after the nominations come out. As of this writing, none have been named.

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