Google
 

“Showgirls” screenwriter Joe Eszterhas finds religion

September 16th, 2008 by Scott Marks

How’d you like to smell the way he looks?

In his latest work of fiction, Crossbearer: A Memoir of Faith, scraggly screenwriter Joe Eszterhas details how he came to find The Lord: “The Eucharist and the presence of the body and blood of Christ is, in my mind, an overwhelming experience for me. I find that Communion for me is empowering. It’s almost a feeling of a kind of high.”

Trading one addiction for another, the author of Basic Instinct and Showgirls has decided to repent and confess his sins to anyone willing to fork over $29.95 for the privilege. Seven years ago, Joe pulled up a curb near his house and began weeping over that fact that his years of partying had finally caught up with him.  The Gospel according to Joe states: “I had just had surgery for throat cancer. I still had a trache in my throat. I had been told that if I didn’t stop smoking and drinking immediately, I’d die. I desperately didn’t want to die. I adored my wife and children. But I knew I couldn’t stop. I’d started smoking when I was twelve and drinking when I was 14. I was now 57 years old.” The only thing worse than a reformed smoker is a reformed heathen. Just ask George Bush.

Joe’s family moved from Hungary to Cleveland when he was 6 years old. One of his earliest jobs was as a police reporter where, according to an interview in the Toledo Blade, Eszterhas witnessed “countless shootings” and “urban riots” that contributed to his dark and “sexually graphic” writing style.

With the exception of his collaborations with director Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Showgirls), Joe has received enormous paychecks for writing garbage. Let’s not forget that this is the man responsible for F.I.S.T., Flashdance, Sliver and Jade. Suddenly Showgirls seems like Chaucer. And for those eager to take a course on how not to write a movie, there’s the wretched “in joke” disaster, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn. Do we really need to know this man’s feelings on spirituality?

Ironically, Paul Verhoeven is also turning his literary attention to The Lord. Instead of a repentant autobiography, Verhoeven’s Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait (also set to his store shelves this month) claims that J.C. was conceived through rape. Now that’s more like it!

If your stomach can stand it, there are more excerpts from Joe’s latest offering here.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Filed Under Gossip, News

Paul Verhoeven writes book claiming Jesus conceived through rape

April 24th, 2008 by Scott Marks

paul-verhoeven.jpg
Paul Verhoeven

As if writing the script for one of his upcoming movies, director Paul Verhoeven (Turkish Delight, Showgirls, Black Book) has come up with a new Bible story chock full of gore, brutality, sexual assault and degradation, all filmed in the grandeur of Panavision and Technicolor.

In his upcoming biography, Verhoeven suggests that Jesus might have been fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary.

An Amsterdam publishing house announced Wednesday that Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait will hit bookstores in September. The Associated Press reports, “Marianna Sterk of the publishing house J.M. Meulenhoff said the book includes several ideas that run contrary to Christian faith, including the suggestion that Jesus could be the son of a Roman soldier who raped Mary during a Jewish uprising against Roman rule in 4 B.C.”

Take that, Mel Gibson!

שלאָגן מײַן קאָפּ!!!

The book also gives Judas Iscariot a free ticket by claiming he was not responsible for Jesus’ betrayal.

Biblical scholars remain skeptical. John Dominic Crossan, a Jesus Seminar founder said, “It’s an obvious first retort to claims that Mary was a virgin. If you wanted to do a hatchet job on Jesus’ reputation, this would be the way.”

Verhoeven, 69, has long dreamed of joining the illustrious ranks of Marty, Cecil B. DeMille, Pier Paolo Pasolini, Robert Bresson, Luis Bunuel, George Stevens, Walt Disney and Woody Strode in bringing the life of Christ to the screen.

Let’s see…Robert Davi as Judas, Dakota Fanning as the Virgin Mary (she’ll be old enough by the time this goes into production), Lin Tucci as Mary Magdalene, Rutger Hauer as Pontius Pilate, Michael Ironside as Jerobeam, Joe Eszterhas as Zebedee, Michael Douglas as John the Baptist and Neil Patrick Harris as Jesus.

Paul Verhoeven photos: Showgirls

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Filed Under News