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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL Preview Ticket

May 1st, 2008 by Scott Marks

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My passport to insignificance. I’m more interested in seeing the new theater than I am Steve’s picture.

For those of you who go for this sort of thing, this is what the preview ticket looks like. Sadly, it was sent electronically and has no collectible value on eBay.

At the top it reads “You and your family are invited” and at the bottom warns “limited to no more than 3 guests.” What if I have a large family like Warren Jeffries or Charles Manson?

And speaking of Chuck Manson, how about The Munsters-style lettering announcing the free eats?

The names and dates were changed to protect the innocent, even though we all know that if he could, Jonathan Norman would be first in line.

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Jonathan Norman!

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J. D. Salinger gives Spielberg’s “Raiders” a thumbs-down!

April 30th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye continues to impact scores of high school and college students. Unfortunately, the same can be said of Steve Spielberg films. I was delighted to hear what one generation’s guiding influence had to say about another.

The following comes from a letter written by the reclusive author to his lover Janet Eagleson and dated June 28, 1981:

“I got hooked into seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark, which might be excused for its unwitty, unfunny awful socko-ness if it had been put together by Harvard Lampoon seniors.”

Alright, so it’s not a full-length review. I’m content to publish any slam aimed in Steve’s direction particularly one coming from an author who packs such clout.

News of J. D.’s mini-pan first came to me via Spout. Christopher Campbell reported that Salinger’s correspondence was going up for auction on eBay. I would like to believe that the seller put it up for auction just weeks before the opening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, to humiliate Steve in an attempt to keep audiences away.

The live auction received 4 bids and closed at $2,250.00.

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Harrison Ford has senior moment, lashes out at critics who say he’s too old to play Indiana Jones

April 19th, 2008 by Scott Marks

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Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Bladder

After the fall of Munich, Steve Spielberg decided to take a couple of years off.

He’s baaaaaaaaaaaack!

If the mere thought of The Color Purple or Schindler’s List curdles my stomach, Raiders of the Lost Ark has me reaching for a change of underpants. In fact, I’ve had diarrhea with more consistent structure than Raiders.

Along with star whore George Lucas’ Star Wars abominations, Raiders stands as the one film that forever changed the course of summer at the movies. Not due to the box office records it set or any form of artistic merit (there is none), Steve & George forever lowered the bar by transforming movies into effects-driven theme park rides geared for nine-year-old boys, many of who are in their thirties or forties.

Raiders so sickened me that it’s sequels never so much as appeared on my radar. Never saw anything with Jurassic in the title either. When he tries to break into the big leagues by tackling racism and the Holocaust, I’m eager to know with the enemy. Just keep me away from that kiddie krap. Steve’s “the adventure continues” thrill rides serve up more climaxes than a porno and Raiders is easily his most brain numbing froth.

Oddly enough, I have a perverse interest in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, particularly after reading what grumpy Harrison Ford had to say. In a brief interview published on WENN, 65-year old modern day Bronson groused about critics who claim he’s too old to play the part.

Methuselah Jones says, “That’s one of the things I was most keen about. Just acknowledge the years, without reservation. What’s the big deal? The guys 18, 20 years older. So what? Yeah, I’ve heard it: `Aaaaw, he’s older.’ Well st yes. And by the way? So are you… Take a look in the f*ing mirror!”

Nice language for a PG-13 archaeologist.

Ford is confident the the film will be a hit even with a senior in the lead. One of this summer’s few franchise films, it’s bound to make money, but I’m banking on public humiliation.

Links:
Photos from Harrison Ford’s only good movie here.

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