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Study Guide to BOB HOPE: THE VIETNAM YEARS (1964 - 1972) - Part 4

June 21st, 2009 by Scott Marks

BOB

The Bob Hope Christmas Special (1967)
Starring: Raquel Welch, Barbara McNair, Elaine Dunn, Madeleine Hartog Bell (Miss World), Phil Crosby, Earl Wilson and Les Brown and His Band of Renown
Directed by Mort Lachman and an uncredited Carl Theodor Dryer
Written by Mort Lachman and Bill Larkin, John Rapp and Lester White, Charles Lee and Gig Henry
Photographed by Alan Stensvold in CinemaHope
Running Tine: 69 min.

Rating: ★★★★★

I’ve been wanting to work my way through these 9 Nam specials for ages. As much as I love analyzing these marvelous specials for you kids at home, they take forever to get through. I study every frame like I’m translating cuneiform.  This makes it 4 down and 5 to go. His will be done, eventually.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to rent or buy this DVD compilation.
It’s got over 9 hours worth of howls, gags, fun and more heartwarming entertainment that you and the family ever saw. They have copies for sale on Amazon starting at under 12 bucks. Twelve bucks!!! That’s barely one dollar for every ten thousand laffs! Remember, ladies and gentlemen, Bob Hope still is your best entertainment value!

And now…from Danang, Plaiku, Koo-Chi, Tak-Li, Palm Springs…

00:25 - Hey, you know you gotta’ get those pathos in right off the bat, you know what I mean? I tell ya’, this kid with the crutches is a guaranteed ratings grabber.

00:27 - Not even 30 seconds in! This must surely be the fastest Crosby mention on record.

01:00 - Hey, how ’bout that “Road to Hong Kong” style typeface they use to give the show an Oriental kinda’ flavor?

01:07 - Someone tell Barbara McNair that she has to sit at the back of the golf cart.

01:36 - This looks to be a pared down show. No opening banter, no stops in Washington, D.C. before heading to Nam. Bob opens the show with some welcome Les Brown bashing and it’s instantly off to Thailand. (Les looked stunning in a cobalt blue alpaca v-neck pullover.)

01:50 - Ubon, Thailand 8th Tactical Fighter Wing: Bob slays the crowd with some Taiwanese that’s been phonetically written out for him on index cards at his feet.

03:32  Another disparaging Les Brown mention! Bob is on fire!

03:40 - Rotsa’ rice jokes.

04:06 - Let’s get the obligatory Jerry Colonna reference out of the way right after the first show. A lieutenant with a handlebar mustache presents Bob with a framed gift “for a great entertainer who couldn’t be with us this year and whom we all miss very much, Jerry Colonna.”

04:50 - Bob explains that “hip expression, ” “Ring-a-Ding-Ding” to Madeleine Hartog Bell who protests claiming that she is not an “Esquare.” After some leaden banter Bob gets to the heart of the matter and asks Miss World her measurements.

07:09 - “Look at these cats.”

07:53: Danang - “And I wanna’ tell ya’ folks, these Marines are really tough.”

08:55 - “But these Marines have a great history. They’ve landed on more beaches than Frankie Avalon and Annette Fyoo-nicello.”

09:02 - “You know I go way back with the Marines. Wake Island, Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima. I saw all those pictures.” I love it when Bob brags to a group of soldiers that could lose their lives at any time that he’s a coward who never saw active duty.

09:44 - How ’bout some jokes about Dow Chemicals, the nice people that brought you napalm, Agent Orange and silicone breast implants? Brother George told Bob to invest heavily in Agent Orange. Legend has it Dolores still uses it on her garden in Palm Springs.

09:56 - “HEY!!!, can you imagine those peaceniks back home burning their draft cards? Why not come over here and Charlie will burn ‘em for ‘em?” Ah, burn ‘em all, just stay the hell away from Toluca Lake.

10:25 - Bob jokes about guys back home wearing mini skirts. He points his putter at the crowd and says, “Don’t laugh. If you’d have thought of it you wouldn’t be here.” Yeah, go gay and don’t fight for the U.S.A.

10:37 - A leering closeup of a stagehand try to repair Elaine Dunn’s broken zipper. Pimp Les Brown jokingly attempts to block the audiences’ view of Ms. Dunn. Good work, Les. This crowd didn’t pay to see Hope let alone a fashion disaster. Save the skin for the network specials. That’s where the real money is. BTW, Ms. Dunn neither sings nor dances during this segment. In fact, it’s just about the only time we see her throughout the entire show. Were it not for a broken zipper, it’s not certain that she would have made the final cut.

10:45 - In a flight of surrealism worthy of Bunuel, we swish-pan to beautiful Pasadena, California and the Rose Bowl Parade. Just kidding, folks! It’s sunny Tak-Li, Thailand and Bob honors the locals by making an appearance in their New Year’s parade.

10:55 - Capt. Neely Johnson tells the eager crowd that he can’t think of a better way to celebrate his 100th murder raid over Vietnam than by introducing Mr. Bob Hope. Bob is proud to shake the hand of a man responsible for slaughtering hundreds of Cong.

12:25 - San Diego in the house.

13:26 - Camp Bearcat, Vietnam: You’ve heard of a White Dog? This is a Hope dog trained to kill anyone that reads cue cards.

13:32 - Photo op with a bunch of Cong-killing Taiwanese.

13:45 - Bob, still stinging from the German Shepherd, introduces the segment with, “Let’s attack the men of the 9th Infantry Division.”

15:00 - Bob does a quick before and after look at Plaiku. “Four years ago all the had was a Captain and two platoons of monkeys.” He wants Ho Chi Min to see the “after” photos and crap his pants.

15:49 - Bob plays pocket pool with one hand while the other twirls his putter.

16:38 - Did he just introduce Raquel Welsh?

17:28 - Chesty liberal punk Welch suggests we do like the Israelis and “draft the girls along with the men.” Yeah, the only thing Bob can say in Hebrew is Bank Leumi.

17:40: “How’d you like our flight from the States, Raquel? Pretty wild, wadn’t it?” Mile High Club, right here!

17:42 - Raquel took a break from filming “love scenes with Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart” to be in Nam with BH. Welch was 27 and Jimmy was 60. I may have to track down a copy of Bandolero! to study the love scenes. The Master of sincere insincerity asks, “Hey, Jimmy Stewart is great, idn’t he?” Never did to his wife what philandering Bob did to Dolores.

A Les Brown sandwich

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DVD Review: LADY IN CEMENT / Gordon Douglas (1968)

November 30th, 2008 by Scott Marks

Lady in Cement (1968)
Directed by Gordon Douglas
Written by Marvin H. Albert and Jack Guss based on Albert’s novel
Starring: Frank Sinatra, Raquel Welch, Dan Blocker, Martin Gabel, Pat Henry, Richard Conte, Lainie Kazan, Steve Peck, Richard Deacon, Christine Todd, Joe E. Lewis and B.S. Pulley
Running Time: 93 min.
Photographed by Joseph Biroc in and DeLuxe Color

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

The third installment of the Gordon Douglas, Frank Sinatra so-called “Tony Rome” trilogy continues the series stellar display of fag bashing and obsessive depiction of women as props, or in this case shark bait.

Sinatra kicks off the proceedings by playing an underwater scene without once getting wet. His stunt double fends off a drugged, toothless shark before discovering a blond naked “broad” anchored in cement. He spends the rest of the picture traversing Miami and dispensing verbal sexual slurs to every chickie baby he meets. Emerging from a pool, a sizzling Raquel Welch instantly sizes up the five-foot-seven crooner’s game: “Shall I scream rape now or wait and phone in a complaint?” Without the benefit of so much as a word, Ms. Welch had perfectly pegged Tony Rome’s idea of interpersonal relationships.

This is a Frank Sinatra picture for people who couldn’t afford to shell out the $5.95 (1960 price) plus airfare and accommodations, to attend a Rat Pack summit live at the Sands in Vegas. No, he doesn’t sing and Dino, Sammy, Joey and the excommunicated Peter Lawford didn’t make this scene. Prior to From Here to Eternity, “The Voice” appeared in a string of whimsical studio musicals. After the horses’ head gag and an Oscar, Mr. Sinatra was always careful to maintain a separate career as a serious dramatic movie star. When it came to directors, Frank gave what he got. With the exception of a certain Ferris wheel incident on the set of Some Came Running, he freely granted Liza’s dad Vincente all the time and demands the master filmmaker required. For John Frankenheimer and George Axelrod’s controversial The Manchurian Candidate, executive producer Frank raised the money (ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies), consented to rehearsals, met every 6 am call time and put in a full’s day’s work. In other words, he did what he was handsomely being paid to do.

For others less gifted, he took the dough, showed up at noon and walked off the set at four. Ever wonder why so many of the lesser Sinatra vehicles were filmed in resort towns? The scripts, and subsequently the films, were structured around his swingin’ lifestyle. While in Vegas, Frank would perform two shows nightly, party till dawn, knock off a few broads, catch some daylight shut eye and devote a couple hours to picture making.

Continue reading DVD Review: LADY IN CEMENT / Gordon Douglas (1968)

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