Study Guide to BOB HOPE: THE VIETNAM YEARS (1964 - 1972) - Part 4
June 21st, 2009 by Scott Marks
BOB
The Bob Hope Christmas Special (1967)
Starring: Raquel Welch, Barbara McNair, Elaine Dunn, Madeleine Hartog Bell (Miss World), Phil Crosby, Earl Wilson and Les Brown and His Band of Renown
Directed by Mort Lachman and an uncredited Carl Theodor Dryer
Written by Mort Lachman and Bill Larkin, John Rapp and Lester White, Charles Lee and Gig Henry
Photographed by Alan Stensvold in CinemaHope
Running Tine: 69 min.
Rating: 
I’ve been wanting to work my way through these 9 Nam specials for ages. As much as I love analyzing these marvelous specials for you kids at home, they take forever to get through. I study every frame like I’m translating cuneiform. This makes it 4 down and 5 to go. His will be done, eventually.
I cannot urge you strongly enough to rent or buy this DVD compilation.
It’s got over 9 hours worth of howls, gags, fun and more heartwarming entertainment that you and the family ever saw. They have copies for sale on Amazon starting at under 12 bucks. Twelve bucks!!! That’s barely one dollar for every ten thousand laffs! Remember, ladies and gentlemen, Bob Hope still is your best entertainment value!
And now…from Danang, Plaiku, Koo-Chi, Tak-Li, Palm Springs…
00:25 - Hey, you know you gotta’ get those pathos in right off the bat, you know what I mean? I tell ya’, this kid with the crutches is a guaranteed ratings grabber.
00:27 - Not even 30 seconds in! This must surely be the fastest Crosby mention on record.
01:00 - Hey, how ’bout that “Road to Hong Kong” style typeface they use to give the show an Oriental kinda’ flavor?
01:07 - Someone tell Barbara McNair that she has to sit at the back of the golf cart.
01:36 - This looks to be a pared down show. No opening banter, no stops in Washington, D.C. before heading to Nam. Bob opens the show with some welcome Les Brown bashing and it’s instantly off to Thailand. (Les looked stunning in a cobalt blue alpaca v-neck pullover.)
01:50 - Ubon, Thailand 8th Tactical Fighter Wing: Bob slays the crowd with some Taiwanese that’s been phonetically written out for him on index cards at his feet.
03:32 Another disparaging Les Brown mention! Bob is on fire!
03:40 - Rotsa’ rice jokes.
04:06 - Let’s get the obligatory Jerry Colonna reference out of the way right after the first show. A lieutenant with a handlebar mustache presents Bob with a framed gift “for a great entertainer who couldn’t be with us this year and whom we all miss very much, Jerry Colonna.”
04:50 - Bob explains that “hip expression, ” “Ring-a-Ding-Ding” to Madeleine Hartog Bell who protests claiming that she is not an “Esquare.” After some leaden banter Bob gets to the heart of the matter and asks Miss World her measurements.
07:09 - “Look at these cats.”
07:53: Danang - “And I wanna’ tell ya’ folks, these Marines are really tough.”
08:55 - “But these Marines have a great history. They’ve landed on more beaches than Frankie Avalon and Annette Fyoo-nicello.”
09:02 - “You know I go way back with the Marines. Wake Island, Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima. I saw all those pictures.” I love it when Bob brags to a group of soldiers that could lose their lives at any time that he’s a coward who never saw active duty.
09:44 - How ’bout some jokes about Dow Chemicals, the nice people that brought you napalm, Agent Orange and silicone breast implants? Brother George told Bob to invest heavily in Agent Orange. Legend has it Dolores still uses it on her garden in Palm Springs.
09:56 - “HEY!!!, can you imagine those peaceniks back home burning their draft cards? Why not come over here and Charlie will burn ‘em for ‘em?” Ah, burn ‘em all, just stay the hell away from Toluca Lake.
10:25 - Bob jokes about guys back home wearing mini skirts. He points his putter at the crowd and says, “Don’t laugh. If you’d have thought of it you wouldn’t be here.” Yeah, go gay and don’t fight for the U.S.A.
10:37 - A leering closeup of a stagehand try to repair Elaine Dunn’s broken zipper. Pimp Les Brown jokingly attempts to block the audiences’ view of Ms. Dunn. Good work, Les. This crowd didn’t pay to see Hope let alone a fashion disaster. Save the skin for the network specials. That’s where the real money is. BTW, Ms. Dunn neither sings nor dances during this segment. In fact, it’s just about the only time we see her throughout the entire show. Were it not for a broken zipper, it’s not certain that she would have made the final cut.
10:45 - In a flight of surrealism worthy of Bunuel, we swish-pan to beautiful Pasadena, California and the Rose Bowl Parade. Just kidding, folks! It’s sunny Tak-Li, Thailand and Bob honors the locals by making an appearance in their New Year’s parade.
10:55 - Capt. Neely Johnson tells the eager crowd that he can’t think of a better way to celebrate his 100th murder raid over Vietnam than by introducing Mr. Bob Hope. Bob is proud to shake the hand of a man responsible for slaughtering hundreds of Cong.
12:25 - San Diego in the house.
13:26 - Camp Bearcat, Vietnam: You’ve heard of a White Dog? This is a Hope dog trained to kill anyone that reads cue cards.
13:32 - Photo op with a bunch of Cong-killing Taiwanese.
13:45 - Bob, still stinging from the German Shepherd, introduces the segment with, “Let’s attack the men of the 9th Infantry Division.”
15:00 - Bob does a quick before and after look at Plaiku. “Four years ago all the had was a Captain and two platoons of monkeys.” He wants Ho Chi Min to see the “after” photos and crap his pants.
15:49 - Bob plays pocket pool with one hand while the other twirls his putter.
16:38 - Did he just introduce Raquel Welsh?
17:28 - Chesty liberal punk Welch suggests we do like the Israelis and “draft the girls along with the men.” Yeah, the only thing Bob can say in Hebrew is Bank Leumi.
17:40: “How’d you like our flight from the States, Raquel? Pretty wild, wadn’t it?” Mile High Club, right here!
17:42 - Raquel took a break from filming “love scenes with Dean Martin and Jimmy Stewart” to be in Nam with BH. Welch was 27 and Jimmy was 60. I may have to track down a copy of Bandolero! to study the love scenes. The Master of sincere insincerity asks, “Hey, Jimmy Stewart is great, idn’t he?” Never did to his wife what philandering Bob did to Dolores.
A Les Brown sandwich
Continue reading Study Guide to BOB HOPE: THE VIETNAM YEARS (1964 - 1972) - Part 4
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