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“Showgirls” screenwriter Joe Eszterhas finds religion

September 16th, 2008 by Scott Marks

How’d you like to smell the way he looks?

In his latest work of fiction, Crossbearer: A Memoir of Faith, scraggly screenwriter Joe Eszterhas details how he came to find The Lord: “The Eucharist and the presence of the body and blood of Christ is, in my mind, an overwhelming experience for me. I find that Communion for me is empowering. It’s almost a feeling of a kind of high.”

Trading one addiction for another, the author of Basic Instinct and Showgirls has decided to repent and confess his sins to anyone willing to fork over $29.95 for the privilege. Seven years ago, Joe pulled up a curb near his house and began weeping over that fact that his years of partying had finally caught up with him.  The Gospel according to Joe states: “I had just had surgery for throat cancer. I still had a trache in my throat. I had been told that if I didn’t stop smoking and drinking immediately, I’d die. I desperately didn’t want to die. I adored my wife and children. But I knew I couldn’t stop. I’d started smoking when I was twelve and drinking when I was 14. I was now 57 years old.” The only thing worse than a reformed smoker is a reformed heathen. Just ask George Bush.

Joe’s family moved from Hungary to Cleveland when he was 6 years old. One of his earliest jobs was as a police reporter where, according to an interview in the Toledo Blade, Eszterhas witnessed “countless shootings” and “urban riots” that contributed to his dark and “sexually graphic” writing style.

With the exception of his collaborations with director Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Showgirls), Joe has received enormous paychecks for writing garbage. Let’s not forget that this is the man responsible for F.I.S.T., Flashdance, Sliver and Jade. Suddenly Showgirls seems like Chaucer. And for those eager to take a course on how not to write a movie, there’s the wretched “in joke” disaster, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn. Do we really need to know this man’s feelings on spirituality?

Ironically, Paul Verhoeven is also turning his literary attention to The Lord. Instead of a repentant autobiography, Verhoeven’s Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait (also set to his store shelves this month) claims that J.C. was conceived through rape. Now that’s more like it!

If your stomach can stand it, there are more excerpts from Joe’s latest offering here.

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Filed Under Gossip, News

Dig A Hole: DAVEY AND GOLIATH co-creator Richard Sutcliffe

May 22nd, 2008 by Scott Marks

Gee, Davey, Richard Sutcliffe died.

Along with Gumby creators Art Clokey and Ruth Clokey Goodell, Dick Sutcliffe devised the religious claymation TV show Davey and Goliath. He died May 11in Dallas of complications from a stroke. He was 90.

If it looks like a Gumby and walks like a Gumby, it must be a Gumby, right? Not necessarily. I don’t ever remember Gumby feeding his orange ass Pokey a theological dissertation before mounting him.

Davey and Goliath was a Christian-themed children’s show that creeped the hell out of me. While Gumby was a source of great entertainment, even as a kid I could smell D&G’s religious propaganda a mile away.

In 1959, the United Lutheran Church contracted with Clokey Productions to produce the series. The stop-motion sermon about a suburban boy and his talking dog aired early Sunday mornings on Chicago’s Very Own WGN. The Church provided the show free of charge to any station willing to air them, so no wonder ‘GN took them up on their offer. The shows were aired without commercial interruption.

Sutcliffe launched the series to spread a religious message without losing younger viewers with overly complicated concepts, his daughter, J.T. Sutcliffe, told The Dallas Morning News. By “overly complicated concepts” I assume Ms. Sutcliffe meant character animation, narrative structure and moralist decla(y)mation.

The stories followed a dim formula that was even more rudimentary than it’s brightly lit backgrounds. Each week Davey would encounter a moral obstacle that could only be resolved through inspirational dogma that was generally delivered by a dog.

To a five-year-old Jew, these characters offered more dread than solace. Long before I grasped the concept of Valium, these brainwashed zombies appeared to be self-medicated.

Church leaders approached Sutcliffe about using television to reach young people when he was director of Lutheran radio and television ministry in New York. He chose a format that would offer sound theology while being entertaining, his daughter told the newspaper. One out of two ain’t bad.

Ironically, the voice of Davey’s father was provided by Hal Smith, better know as Otis the Drunk on The Andy Griffith Show.

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Filed Under Obituaries

Paul Verhoeven writes book claiming Jesus conceived through rape

April 24th, 2008 by Scott Marks

paul-verhoeven.jpg
Paul Verhoeven

As if writing the script for one of his upcoming movies, director Paul Verhoeven (Turkish Delight, Showgirls, Black Book) has come up with a new Bible story chock full of gore, brutality, sexual assault and degradation, all filmed in the grandeur of Panavision and Technicolor.

In his upcoming biography, Verhoeven suggests that Jesus might have been fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary.

An Amsterdam publishing house announced Wednesday that Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait will hit bookstores in September. The Associated Press reports, “Marianna Sterk of the publishing house J.M. Meulenhoff said the book includes several ideas that run contrary to Christian faith, including the suggestion that Jesus could be the son of a Roman soldier who raped Mary during a Jewish uprising against Roman rule in 4 B.C.”

Take that, Mel Gibson!

שלאָגן מײַן קאָפּ!!!

The book also gives Judas Iscariot a free ticket by claiming he was not responsible for Jesus’ betrayal.

Biblical scholars remain skeptical. John Dominic Crossan, a Jesus Seminar founder said, “It’s an obvious first retort to claims that Mary was a virgin. If you wanted to do a hatchet job on Jesus’ reputation, this would be the way.”

Verhoeven, 69, has long dreamed of joining the illustrious ranks of Marty, Cecil B. DeMille, Pier Paolo Pasolini, Robert Bresson, Luis Bunuel, George Stevens, Walt Disney and Woody Strode in bringing the life of Christ to the screen.

Let’s see…Robert Davi as Judas, Dakota Fanning as the Virgin Mary (she’ll be old enough by the time this goes into production), Lin Tucci as Mary Magdalene, Rutger Hauer as Pontius Pilate, Michael Ironside as Jerobeam, Joe Eszterhas as Zebedee, Michael Douglas as John the Baptist and Neil Patrick Harris as Jesus.

Paul Verhoeven photos: Showgirls

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Filed Under News