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Christmas Stocking Stuffer: The I Love Dolores Hope T-Shirt

December 17th, 2007 by Scott Marks

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“Hi, Sweeties. It’s me, Dolores here to tell you about my new line of resort wear. I’m kicking off the Dolores Reade Hope Collection with these smart cotton schmates. I want all you Palm Springs swingers and Rodeo Drive dollies to buy a drawer full of these. It’s not about money. I pay fifty-cents for the shirts and a buck for the decals. Linda irons them on in the basement for a dime a shirt. I’ll give the rags away if I have to. I deserve the fame and recognition, dammit. For years I got cold standing in Bob’s shadow. He was shacking up with unspeakable harlots while I stayed home and raised our adopted children…with the help of our Guatemalan maid, Chok-Su. You owe me. You all owe me for what I had to endure in the name of entertainment! I don’t want to see a walker or wheelchair within 30 miles of Toluca Lake that isn’t sporting my “I Love Dolores Hope” trademark. Let’s get cracking. If that Van Dutch can do it, so can I. And buy my CDs, too! Those ‘Road’ pictures blow. I’m the star!”

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